Adoption Search Trials and Tribulations in Washington State

10/95

I was born November 19, 1969 in Spokane, Washington and placed for adoption with my adoptive family in December of 1970. I have always known I was adopted and aside from calling my adoptive parents, my STEPPARENTS, for about a year when I was six, never had a big adjustment problem from this. I always asked about my birth mother, wanting to get all the information I could. I needed to feel connected to something. As much as I felt loved by my adoptive family, I have never felt "connected" with them.

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When I was 18 I started looking into actually searching. I contacted Washington Adoption Rights Movement (WARM) to inquire on how to start a search. They told me for $280 they can locate my birth parents, $80 to open the records and $200 to do the search. I have thought for years that I had sent them the $80 to open the records, but when I went to follow through seven years later, they had no record of receiving anything from me. Kinda of odd, but maybe I was wrong. Well they said at this time for $500 they could open the records and do a search. I declined.

Someone had once suggested to me writing Spokane County and requesting a copy of my original birth certificate by referencing with the certificate number. I sent them a letter "Please send me a copy of original birth certificate, file #XXXX" and signed with an illegible first, middle initial, and then my real married last name. I received a call about two weeks later. The lady was very helpful, but informed me they no longer send copies of birth certificates. I would have to write to DSHS and they would send me a computer generated copy. (Gee, thanks, I already have one of those). She did give the names of a couple of Confidential Intermediaries or CIs. Their prices ran $300 - $350, a bargain compared to $500. I requested the application and petition from one of them, filled out the paper work, and sat on it until I could get the money.

This is about the time I heard of non-identifying information, which is to tell you everything about your adoption without giving out names or places. This is a first step for anybody even considering searching for birth parents. It fills in so many gaps and gives you understanding of some things. You request the non-identifying information from the agency you were adopted through. For me this was Department of Social and Health Services for Washington State. I sent a letter requesting the information and received a phone call the following week. The lady told me they no longer send out non-identifying information unless there is a medical need because of a backlog of work load. Will let me tell you, you want medical need, I'll give you medical need. After giving information on two surgeries (both cancer scares) she sent it out to me within the week. I was surprised she didn't request a doctor's note. I received this information on my 25th birthday. Best birthday present I ever had. All my life I had wondered, "what time was I born?", "how much did I weigh?", "how long was my b-mom's labor?", etc. All of the things non-adoptees take for granted. I got all this information along with physical description of both b-parents and hobbies. Much to my dismay, I got my b-moms coloring and my b-dads build, "5'5" and hefty." I'm 5'3" and "hefty." My birth mom was 5'6" and 112 pounds. Sometimes life just isn't fair. The absolute best part of this info had to be, I was named Judith Marie. I was a real person before I was adopted!!

I don't know if this is true of all adoptees, but until I got this information I didn't feel like I existed. I always questioned my birth date and not knowing the simple little details of what time or weight, makes it seem as if your birth never actually happened. As it is now, I still don't know what hospital I was born in, but that will be simple enough to find out when I get off my rear and write the three main hospitals in Spokane.

I called my adoptive mother and shared all this information with her. When I told her my name had been Judy, she said "yeah, I know. Your name was Judith Marie Weaver and your birth mother's name was Shirley Weaver. " WOW! Mom knew this all along. We also discovered my adoptive mother's mythology was quite different from the real circumstances. My mom believed that my birth mom had just dropped me off with an aunt and then disappeared. The aunt had supposedly gotten ill and the state took me as a ward of the court. At that time I was placed for adoption. When my aunt recovered, she went to court to try to get me back.

Okay, now for the real story. My birth grandparents were divorced. My birth grandmother passed away December 25, 1968. The family was living in California at the time (but I'm not supposed to know that). My birth mother attempted to take care of herself and her two younger brothers on her own. When things didn't work out, they went to live with their aunt in Spokane, Washington. Somewhere in the middle I was invented. My birth mom stayed with the aunt until after I was born. Not very long after my birth mom decided it was time we move out on our own. After a few months of this she went to DSHS to request financial assistance, one month later she relinquished me. The aunt had petitioned to adopt me, but the petition was denied based on the fact my birth mother did not feel that her aunt and uncle would be suitable parents based on their age and the fact they themselves had relinquished two children previously. After I was placed with my adoptive family, the aunt went to court to try to get me back. At least my adoptive mother had the court part right.

I understand where my adoptive mother got her mythology. All she knew was that the aunt was fighting to get me back and filled in the gaps with what made sense to her. The funny thing is after reading the non-identifying information and discussing how far off we were a year ago, my adoptive mother recently made the comment to me that my birth mother had never really taken care of me, the aunt did. Go figure!

Now some of the gaps are filled and I'm content for a short time. Of course I called Spokane directory assistance, but no listing for a Shirley Weaver. Okay, now what. I didn't have the money to send the CI at the time. I had recently heard that you can locate people through computer searches. I didn't have a computer at the time. I looked through the phone book trying to figure out where such a service would be listed. I couldn't find anything. I had also called a PI to find out what they would charge to locate someone. It was about the same price as the CI. So I sat on the information for a few months.

A couple of months later I sent the application and petition to the CI. After about four weeks she reports that she has found my birth mother and I should send a letter to her via the CI. In this letter I am not allowed to identify anything about myself, no names, places, dates, etc. That was a really hard letter to write. The letter I eventually sent was very short and curt. Looking back, I feel I should have been a little warmer in it. I kinda had the attitude, "if you want to know anything about me, you'll have to consent to contact." About 9 - 12 weeks later we hadn't heard anything back. At this time the CI sent a request for medical information. Six weeks later there was still nothing. The CI attempted to call her, but the number she has did not work. Things are not looking good at this point.

It was at this time I finally got on-line. I corresponded on Prodigy's bulletin boards and on the alt.adoption news group and got a lot of support and good information. I was also spending A LOT of time on the computer. Through the news group I met someone in Washington that is not a CI but helps people locate their birth families. The difference here is she can't open your adoption records, but with a first name and birth date she can give you a list of prospective matches. I sent her the information on Shirley and two days later she sent me an E-mail message. "I have found Shirley. She is living in Spokane. "I understand that there had been 14 Shirley's that came up with her birth date. She was the only one with the middle initial that matched and was living in the town I was born in. The data base only gives the city, not a complete address or phone number. My friend sent me a listing of all the listed phone numbers in Spokane under her current last name. None of the first names matched and being very cautious, I didn't call any of them. Another suggestion she made was to look in the City Directory. This is different from a phone book in that it gives addresses for EVERYBODY and more comprehensive information such as occupation, who else is living in the house, etc. I called the Seattle Library and within a matter of seconds I now had an address. But Shirley's number was unlisted.

I didn't have any idea what I should do at this point. I felt as if I was betraying a confidence because I went behind my CI's back. I didn't want to act on my new found information because I still wanted my CI to work with me and locate my birth father. I was afraid she would reject me as soon as she found out I went behind her back. It wasn't intentional. The information just kinda fell into my lap.

Curiosity got the better of me and on Labor Day weekend my husband and I headed for Spokane. The sole purpose of this trip was to drive by Shirley's house. My husband grumbled and complained that we were driving 300 miles just to drive by someone's house. Prior to the trip, one of my on-line buddies had driven by and gave me a description of the house. I can tell you, it's not a pretty site. It is a little shack of a house in desperate need of paint, in the middle of a fairly decent neighborhood. The first time we drove by there were two boys about seven years old in the yard. One of the boys I knew was my brother. He had the same color hair, the same nose, looked just like me at that age. It was the first time in my life I had seen someone that looks like me. As we drove away, my husband said "We can drive by later. I know you can't do it just once without wanting more." That was one of the sweeter things he ever said to me. I did drive by the house a few times that weekend. On one of my trips, I actually got a glimpse of my birth mother. Not good enough to really give a description, but I kept expecting to see this 5'6", 112 pound person. I can actually say I was happy to find she was also "hefty". It's still not fair though, because I was never 112 pounds.

The CI had continued the search for my birth father. The same source that got me an address for my birth mother, found someone who could be my birth father in Maine. I didn't have an exact birth date for him, but with his unusual name, Leeman, the data base only came up with three. The one in Maine is the only one who matches my birth father's age. I was going to put off writing a letter until my CI located him. Shortly after this I received an E-mail from my CI stating she believed she had found my birth father, but he was living in the wrong part of the country from where we expected and she was going to write to DSHS to see if she could get his last name to verify if it was him or not. I assume she had also found the Leeman in Maine. Several weeks later she E-mailed to say it was a good thing she checked, because the last name didn't match. I was shocked. There were only three Leemans listed, it had to be him. The other factor being that upon further database investigation the height matched and for being as short as he is, it is too weird of a coincidence. She did give me further information that my birth father married someone else on the same day my birth mother relinquished me. Another odd coincidence? To this day we still don't have anything on my birth father.

12/95

Recently I returned to Spokane to try to contact my birth mother. I had sent her a card the week before warning her I was coming and to call me if it would not be convenient to meet me at this time. I did get a couple of hang-up phone calls that week and will always wonder if it was her. Well I did it. I flew over, got a rental car, stopped and got flowers, drove by her house about 10 times. Finally I parked the car, looked at the house and contemplated for a while. Saw a couple of kids run out the door and mess with the dogs and go back in. I then walked around the block a couple of times. Finally I decided it was time to do or die. I got the flowers out of the car, proceeded to the fence gate. DOGS. Okay so now what? The dogs bark, "this is good, maybe she'll come out to investigate. " No chance. The dogs turn out to really like me. I wonder "gee, do I smell like family to them?". I get the gate open, not an easy task, walk up to the door and knock. Nothing. Knock again, I can hear a little kid inside, still nothing. Finally giving up, leave the flowers on a table outside the door and leave. Proceeded to the nearest restaurant for lunch, drive back by the house, the flowers are not on the table, SHE GOT THEM. Okay, so now what? I go back to the hotel to contemplate some more. "Gee if I was going to be here a couple of days instead of one night I'd mail her a letter telling her how to reach me." A light bulb goes off in my head "I can have a letter messengered" I write the best letter I ever have in my opinion.

'I don't want to hurt you or make things more uncomfortable for you than it takes to fill in the gaps of my own life. My heart never pounded as hard as it was when I walked up to your door, then it stopped when there was no reply. I would give anything for one hour with you to find out; what hospital I was born in, do we look alike, how many brothers or sisters do I have, were any more lovingly given up for adoption, why after nine months did you decide to relinquish me, etc. I don't harbor any resentment for giving me up. You did what was best. I can't explain why, but I do feel love in my heart or you. I will be in town until tomorrow morning. I am hoping you call. If you're not ready, I can accept that, but I'm not willing to give up. Expect to get cards from me three times a year; your birthday, Christmas, and Mother's Day. Please keep my address and phone number incase you ever change your mind.'

I included my home address and phone number along with hotel number and room number. She should have gotten this letter about 3:30pm, I checked out at 9:00am. No response.

After writing the above, I decided it was time to let my CI know what was going on. I sent her a copy of the story and held my breath. She sent me a message back saying how happy she was for me, sad things didn't work out as expected, but knew I'd probably find Shirley on my own anyway. She also made a note, "when it rains it pours. I just located your birth father yesterday." I got myself psyched up for another long wait. But guess what, within a week my CI had the consent form. She left a message with my husband on Tuesday that she had the form but that I would have to call her Wednesday because she was having company. When I got off of work Wednesday, I ran home to call her and got her machine. So I left a message and waiting impatiently. At 9:50pm she called and the first thing she said was "were you asleep, I didn't wake you did I?" I'm like no, and told her later via E-mail, for the information she was going to give me she could have called at 3:00am and I wouldn't have cared. She gave me my birth father's name, address, phone number and told me I have a half brother. She read letters to me from my birth father and my birth grandmother. I was somewhat of a welcome surprise.

Leamon hadn't known I was given up for adoption. Given the opportunity he would have raised me himself. I do feel I was best off being raised by the family I was, but it wasn't fair to Leamon not to get the chance. Of course in 1970, they would have laughed at him for even thinking about it. We have now been reunited by phone for 2 1/2 weeks. I also received a call from my birth 1/2 brother just two days ago. It is amazing to all of a sudden have all this new found family that is excited about your presence. After the months of disappointment where Shirley is concerned, it is quite the change. Leamon has sent me pictures. I now know where I got my extremely thick hair, high forehead, wide nose, and stocky build from. In fact my birth Grandma Pat wrote me a Christmas card, after seeing pictures of me, and said "If anyone ever asks you about your 'stocky' build, tell them it's from your Pennsylvania Dutch heritage -- also the double chin. Sorry we all have them! " My first thought was "Wow! I have a heritage." This has all been extremely exciting. In just three more weeks, we will all be reunited in person. It is going to be an exciting change getting to know my new found family.

01/13/96

Well, I finally met them and what an experience it was. As the plane was taxing to the gate I could see my birth 1/2 brother, Justin, and birth dad, Leamon. It took every ounce of energy I had not to start bawling right there. My lip was quivering, eyes watering, the whole bit. Somehow I managed to hold it together though. Leamon saw me and gave me a huge hug. It was weird because I had pictured him to look one way, then received pictures (from 10 years ago) and thought, "Oh, I guess I was wrong". Well I wasn't, my original intuition was correct. He had changed a lot in the 10 years. He is 5'5", has a beer/pot belly, gray hair, a "chops" mustache that grows off his face, and missing most of his teeth (the 2 front top ones are intact). In all the pictures he was a little big, dark hair, and a full beard. He is 43. Justin also gave me a hug but he was a little reserved. He looked the same as his pictures from 10 years ago. 5'10", 260lbs, mustache, and 1/2 Mexican. My birth grandma, Pat, was also there and said she knew I was a Duncan the second I started getting off the plane.

Grandma Pat owns a bar and she had to stop by to drop off some TP. She kept saying, "now don't tell anybody the first place I took you was the bar". We didn't stay long and she made a point of mentioning that also "well at least we didn't stay long". We played a game of darts while we were there. I think Leamon won after somehow managing to break the first machine we had started playing on when he was losing. We got to the trailer park where they and half the family live. Its a small trailer park that houses small traveling trailers, 5th wheels, Winnebago's, and a couple of single wide mobile homes. Grandma Pat's brother-in-law had just passed away that week. We went to her sister-in-laws house (Leona was my grandfathers sister, he passed away in 1970, Harry was her husband who just passed away) and met several 2nd cousins. I didn't look like any of them. That was about all we did on the first day. We stayed up talking until 1:00am. I stayed in Aunt Leona's 5th wheel that she had just moved out of. The next day we went out to my uncle's house (Nolan). His wife was real sweet and really excited about the whole ordeal. Made me tell her everything I went through to find everyone. They had just very recently adopted a boy about 14/15 years old named Mike. He was real reclusive and didn't visit with us much. I felt like saying "hey, we got something in common." As we walked through the door I saw a lady in the house. Upon seeing her I thought "now I know she has to be blood relation to me". That was my aunt Pa"Tricia". We just hung out the whole afternoon, watched football, then they showed some family videos. They were trying to find one of Justin when he was about 12/13 at a family picnic and he snuck some (okay a lot) of beer. They never did find it though. Justin and I were sitting on the couch and the entire time I felt like kicking him. Not a mean kick, but a tease kick. I withheld for about 2 hours and than said "I know you have to be my brother because I have this incredible urge to kick you." Then I kicked him. The rest of the weekend we kept going back and forth with the kicking, pushing, shoving, etc. In the car we were at it and Leamon says to his mom "Mom, they're fighting back there". Grandma Pat said "what do you want me to do about it, they're your kids". I came out with "yeah, its your job to discipline us and Grandma's job to spoil us." I was having a good time. This time we stayed up till about 2:00am before Justin went home and I went back to the 5th wheel. Grandma was going on a trip the next morning so I said bye to her then.

The next day, the three of us went out to breakfast and then driving around Leamon and Shirley's old neighborhood. He showed me where they met and I learned more about their relationship. He also showed me the house she grew up in. For some reason, this part of the trip was real important to me. After we got done with that I went with Justin to meet his mom, aunt, brother 12 (which I must now adopt as mine) and grandma (that are no relation to me). They were a real nice family and their life style resembled more what I grew up with. His mom and aunt dressed like my adoptive mom and the house was decorated like my mom's. I found this real odd. After all this it was time to go to the airport. Leamon kept threatening to flatten the tire of the airplane so I couldn't leave. To be honest, I couldn't handle another day in that 5th wheel (it stunk).

I'm glad I went and all that jazz. But I feel a little guilty about not feeling closer to Leamon. A couple of things about him turned me off, so to speak. I feel like I'm being judgmental. Deep down he is a very caring and sweet person. But he looked at least 10 times his age, missing most teeth, sleeping on his mom's couch, didn't shower, shave, or brush his 2 teeth, after I showed up. How would others feel in this circumstance? Am I being weird? I don't want to cut ties with him by any means, but I'm less anxious for our next visit.

The final thing; I want to share the letter I just got from Justin today:

1/16/96

Dear Vicki,

I just wanted to tell you what a pleasure it was to meet you, and what a honor it is to be able to call you my sister. I hope you enjoyed your visit, or at least found some of the answers you were seeking. At least now you know you do have a family resemblance (a very strong one I might add) to the Duncans. Better you than me, no, I'm just kidding. You are, in fact, very pretty. Even if you are my older sister.

I hope you weren't too terribly disappointed in Leamon. Despite all outward appearances, he is and as far as I can remember, has always been a genuinely nice man. He is exactly as I remember him, even down to sleeping on Grandma's couch. I tell you this in hope you don't waste too much time fantasizing about, or hoping that some miraculous transformation might somehow occur. All you can do is pray, because in God all things are possible.

I can also say in all honesty, that he was truly happy to see you and in my humble opinion, was in fact, touched by you. If guys to keep in touch, I thinks that's great, but if you don't, don't take it to heart too much. Especially maybe even thinking its because your adopted, or it has any thing to do with the "honeymoon phase" or any other labels, because you already know what kind of relationship I've had with him over the years, and I'm definitely not adopted.

If it hadn't been for you, who knows when I would have seen him again. Although this time I think I will attempt a genuine effort to maintain contact with the family, after all they are my family. One thing about them is that they do treat you the same not having seen you in ten years or even just meeting you for the first time, and that does count for a lot. I also must admit that I envy the fact you have two sets or parents. I think being adopted might have worked out for the best for you. But then again, what do I know?

I'm still amazed at how comfortable I felt around you. I just got that feeling of being close without ever having met you before. That's a very rare sensation for me. Anyways, I hope we can stay in touch. I really did like you personally, sister or not. If you ever need to talk or anything, don't hesitate to call. I promise next time I see you we can have some more fun, since we've now already bonded with the Duncans, we can venture out some on our own.

I hope you didn't mind this old fashioned hand penned letter!

Extremely pleased we met,

You little bro,

Justin

PS I'll say hi to Barney (grandma's dog) for you

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