April in June
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On Friday, June 13, 2003, after a two-year search, I found my birth mother. I knocked on a door in Newport, RI and 6 hours later I was talking to my birth mother in Hawaii. Two very kind and understanding individuals opened their hearts and their home to me, a perfect stranger with a lot of questions. The events that followed that fateful day were absolutely out of any earthly control. It was not until much later in the day that my dear friend (who was with me the entire day) mentioned that it was indeed Friday, the 13th. I should also mention another ironic twist to my story, my name at birth was June Elizabeth and when I was adopted, my parents chose the name April Elizabeth without having any idea.
On that day only a few short months ago, not only was I experiencing "six degrees of separation," but I was also becoming keenly aware of just how adoption is woven into the fabric of the American family. Each person I came into contact with had personally been touched by adoption. The wonderful couple whose house I visited (unannounced, mind-you) had adopted two children and had worked to open birth records in Connecticut. The next person who I connected with was an old friend of my birth mother and after telling her why I was searching for her long-lost friend she confessed to me that she had surrendered a child when she was a young woman. I was floored at the coincidence that was occurring around me. I was so grateful, because when I needed it most, I found authentic understanding and genuine compassion.
It was not until some time had passed that I really began to think about how prevalent adoption is in the year 2003. The very weekend I made contact with my birth mother, my nieces and nephews were watching a T.V. program about a young woman who found her birth mother. It became very clear to me that even the entertainment community was embracing adoption in more ways than just the "60 Minutes" or "Dateline" story. People are talking more openly about adoption and what it means to them.
In another ironic turn of events I found myself at an adoption search and reunion support group in New York City. Within the group I found myself surrounded by all kinds of people who had been touched by adoption. For the first time in my life I was encircled by other adopted individuals, birth mothers and birth siblings. It was fascinating and educational to hear all of the different perspectives and experiences. While the experiences and perspectives were not all positive, I was opened up to an entirely new world. After living a wonderful life, the group allows me to open up to and get in touch with the pain of losing my birth mother.
In the safety of the group I am able to talk openly about my experience and express the joy and the pain of it all. I was learning that every individual's experience is different and that it is essential that we all be heard and helped as we navigate this adoption course. I also had the opportunity to hear heartfelt commentary from birth mothers who were expressing their pain at losing their children to adoption - this was indeed very new and very "eye-opening." The common thread connecting all of us was adoption and how it had affected each one in the room.
The group was very much an awakening to the pain and heartbreak of adoption - things that I had not yet been exposed to or discussed. If there is one thing that I am left with each week that I participate in the group, it is a feeling of absolute gratefulness for the wonderful adoptive family that I am blessed with. I can't say enough about the beautiful home I have been provided with and more importantly all of the endless love and unconditional support I receive. My family is my rock and my strength. Being part of the Adoption Search and Reunion group has also taught me to have compassion for family members and friends who don't understand where I am coming from as an adopted individual. I recognize that only other adoptees can truly understand what it feels like to be adopted.
Something struck me one night as I sat in my adoption group...I was amongst so many adult adoptees that were in some cases just now talking openly with other adopted individuals (I was one of those people). I wondered if there might be a way for adopted adults to interact with younger adopted children opening up a dialog much earlier on. The more I thought about it the more the idea seemed necessary and feasible. I had over the years, participated in mentoring programs with Mentoring USA and the Harlem Youth Court and I wondered why it could not be done with adoption as a focus. Adopted adults could provide a sounding board for adopted children while enjoying time together. I am working on a pilot program with Mentoring USA in New York City. The program would model a typical mentoring syllabus with screenings, background checks and training of the mentors as well mindful matching of mentors with mentees. The mentors would sign on for a year, agreeing to give a minimum of 2 hours a week with their mentee. Group activities would include trips, speakers, workshops and a book club all geared toward adoption and adoption-related issues. I feel that only another adopted individual can truly understand "what it is like" and allowing a relationship to develop between these two groups would be mutually beneficial. If you, or someone you know, are interested in being part of the pilot, making donations, offering suggestions and/or resources for the development of the program, please contact myself or Steve Larosiliere at Mentoring USA (212) 253-1194 x 463 slarosiliere@mentoringusa.org. As adoption becomes more and more a part of the fabric of the American family, adopted children need to be heard and understood so that they can grow and develop into healthy adults.
April E. Dinwoodie is a marketing consultant in New York City. You can contact her at the following email address: april@adoptionmentoring.org.
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© April E. Dinwoodie2003
