Awesome Joy in My Heart

Just out of my teens, one evening I allowed myself to trust a young man who betrayed me. Fearful and confused, it was months before I could confide in anyone. The encounter left me emotionally fragile and pregnant. I struggled mightily with what to do. A completely new person was growing inside me. My baby was growing next to my heart. I wondered if there was a difference between my baby and my heart. They seemed one and the same. I knew my heart would never again belong to me alone. It also belonged to my baby - then...now...and always.

inCalifornia Want to adopt? Pregnant? click here

The destiny of this child lay in my choices. Each life would be permanently affected by my overwhelmingly painful decisions. I prayed the Lord would give me the faith to be the mother my baby needed. To give this child life was my destiny. I was grieved facing the reality of not being in a position to give my child the necessities of life. It was hard to bear placing my child into the care of complete strangers. In time, I realized they maybe strangers to me, - but not to God. He knew them well, and I felt some level of comfort.

I prayed the Lord would give me the faith to be the mother my baby needed. The destiny of this child lay in my choices. To give this child life was my destiny. Each life would be permanently affected by my painful decision I have ever made. I was sad facing the reality of not being in a position to give my child the necessities of life. It was hard to bear placing my child into the care of complete strangers. In time, I realized they may be strangers to me, but not to God. He knew them well, and I felt some level of comfort.

The day James Paul was born, the hospital staff whisked him away and wouldn't allow me to hold or see him. I longed to hold him in my arms, smell his sweetness, feel his tiny hand wrap around my finger, kiss his softness into my memory... willing my memories not to fade. I wanted to cradle him next to me, wishing the memory of me to absorb into his very being. The ache in the depth of my soul was overwhelmingly deep, and I wondered if the pain would ever soften.

The caseworker assigned to me by the adoption agency was compassionate, enlightened, softhearted, and definitely ahead of his time. A few weeks after James Paul was born, he took me to visit the foster family who was caring for him until the adoptive family was selected. I held my son close for hours, comforting and soothing him -and myself. I knew I had just a few hours to absorb enough to take me though a lifetime without feeling my son in my arms again. Someone snapped pictures of us, which I kept in my treasure box for 31 years. From time to time, I would open the box and take out the pictures that were still in the original envelope from the pharmacy where they had been developed. I would stare at the pictures wondering what became of my angel child. What are his interests? What part of me is a part of him? Was he happy?

Attempting to aid in the healing process, the caseworker shared my child's new name and a few details about his family. Although the Lord would have known about whom I was referring in my prayers all these years, it was such a comfort to me to be able to refer to my child by his name, Christian Johnson. In the years that followed, I wondered if my baby ever thought of me or knew I loved him. Would he ever know just how much I love him? Would he understand, as the Lord gave me courage, the decisions I made were because I love him. I asked the Lord for the faith to trust Him to hold my baby in the protective hollow of His hand. I knew that although I wouldn't be there during his growing up years, the Lord would be there with every step he took. I committed my precious child to the Lord, as the fire of this world would test the gold of his character. I knew I would love him, grieve the loss of him, and pray for him as long as I drew breath.

All these years there was a "Chris-shaped" corner of my heart that was reserved only for him. Occasionally, I entertained thoughts of trying to locate him but always decided against it. If he was happy, there was absolutely no way I wanted to rock the boat for him or his parents. Every year, on his birthday, my heart grieved and celebrated in it's own treasured way. Only another birthmother can possibly understand the feelings of loss and sorrow that still linger so many years after saying good-bye to the beautiful baby who came to this world through me.

Early March 2001, I was creating historical family photo journals for my other children when I came across the photos of my child born so long ago in California. As I always did, I studied them hard, cried an ocean and prayed. The very next day, I received a telephone call from my sister who shared that someone from my past wanted to contact me, to thank me for giving him life.

My heart was full of awesome joy! Thirty-one years, two months and moments after his birth, my phone rang again. The voice on the other end of the phone was totally unfamiliar, but I knew it belonged to the baby in the picture!

Following a month of numerous phone calls and e-mails, I spent an incredible week with Chris and his family. We talked, laughed, cried and reflected. We had 31 years of catching up to do. During our time together, Christian asked if I had any regrets about giving him away. Without skipping a beat, I responded that in my heart I hadn't given him away; I entrusted him to God. In the core of my being, I have never stopped loving him, missing him terribly, and praying for him and his family.

I feel blessed that Chris has such compassion and tenderness to invite me into his life. Being reunited with Chris, I have a new branch of my family: a son, daughter-in-law, and two awesome grandchildren. I have shared with my other children, who received the news enthusiastically and are enjoying a growing relationship with their older brother. They are looking forward to this summer when they will meet.

Some adoptive parents might view such a search as a potential threat to the relationship with their child. Not so the Johnsons. During a telephone call while visiting Chris, we spoke with his parents at great length. Chris' father shared he felt it would be a great encouragement to me to know the child I had relinquished had become such a fine young man. I think it is only natural for a birth mother to wonder what or if the adoptive family thinks of her. Chris' mom ministered to my heart when she told me they had explained to Chris when he was very young that I was a wonderful person because I chose what was best for him, that I truly loved him because I didn't do what was easiest. I could have had an abortion, but I chose to give him life. If decisions had been different those many years ago, his parents wouldn't have a son, his sister wouldn't have a brother, and his two wonderful children wouldn't be in the world today. I suspect, like me, Chris' parents can see that if blended families are possible in divorce situations, they are also possible for adoptees. Searching and re-uniting is not about rejecting or de-valuing; it's about relinquishment, forgiveness, the search for self, and healing for both the child and the mother. It is a blessing to realize that neither the adoptive or birth parent needs to feel threatened by the relationship the child has with the other. There is ample room in the triad for everyone to occupy their own unique and special place.

I treasure the continuing relationship with Chris and his wife and delight in the grandmother role with their children. There is still a lifetime of memories that are ours for the making. My heart is outstretched. An added blessing for me is the ongoing contact with Chris' parents. This past Mother's Day, we each sent cards to one another, a special ministry to our spirits indeed. What a fortunate son to have the love from two hearts... two souls... two beings. There is no doubt in my mind that, despite the overwhelming personal pain surrounding relinquishing my child, because I made the choices I did, the Lord in His compassion and grace has returned to me the son I have loved all these years. God so loved, He gave...I so loved, I gave...God so loved He gave back. Indeed, all things do work together for good!

Share your story and read more stories.