Breaking the Silence
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(This is our story. I do not believe that open adoption is for everyone, but for us it has worked wonderfully)
As I prepared the lunch for our trip to the zoo, I glanced at the clock. The hands on the clock seemed to drag. Today would be our first meeting with Jamie's birthmother. My stomach felt almost as jittery as that morning four years ago when we drove to Monterey to pick up our one-month-old son at the adoption agency. Jamie had grown into a beautiful, blond, blue-eyed child-full of life and love.
QUESTIONS
My mind raced back to that time. At first I did not think too much about the woman who had given him life nor about what she was experiencing. We had conflicting stories from two social workers about his background and about the circumstances of his birth. We wondered what we would tell Jamie when he began to ask questions. In addition, I had gone to a post-adoption meeting where I heard all the adoptive mothers share how their birthmothers had left letters and presents for their babies. I had nothing for Jamie-not even accurate information. What would I tell him? My heart ached. I knew that anyone who had given life to such a wonderful child and had seen him would never forget, but I had no evidence to back up my feeling. We wrote letters and left them in the file at the agency, but they told us they would not forward any letter unless the birthmother contacted them. Each day that passed I felt a pang for all that Jamie's birthmother was missing.
We travel cross country frequently and, in the airports, I found myself looking at every young, blond-haired woman and wondering, "Could she be the one?" I longed to find the one person who would resemble Jamie, to know her and to thank her personally for the joy she had given us.
A CLUE
When we went to court to finalize the adoption, Jamie was almost two years old. Our attorney had the original birth certificate and, by mistake, I saw Jamie's birthmother's name. It was Mary K. I knew I would never forget it.
THE SEARCH
In August 1985 I decided to try to find Jamie's birthmom. The search was for Jamie and for his birthmother and for me. It was for Jamie so he could know the circumstances of his birth and background and so he would grow up knowing he was loved by two mothers; the search was for his birthmother so she could be a part of his growing-up years if she wanted to and so she could know Jamie was well and happy and loved; it was for me so the void within me would be filled. I yearned to know the woman who birthed Jamie and who looked like him. And, I am realizing now that I had fears too. If Jamie knew his birthmother, would I still be his mother too? Would the fact that he looks like her change our relationship?
The search itself was relatively easy. I knew she had been in a branch of military service, and having been in the Air Force myself, I knew of the Worldwide Army Locator. After several calls across the country, I had the information I needed to request an address. I sent off my check for $2.85. About a month later my check was returned with a note saying they needed her social security number or birth date to get an address. My heart dropped as I had no way to know these things. I got back on the phone, and a few calls later I contacted someone who said to write a note with the check saying I did not have that information. I sent off the note with the check. A month later I was holding Mary's address in my hand. Excitement filled me in spite of the fact that everyone except my husband thought I was crazy. "She'll come and take Jamie back," they warned.
CONTACT
I wrote a tentative letter explaining that I knew this would be a shock and that we were the couple who adopted her son. I told her how happy we were and how happy he was and that we were willing to correspond openly with her if she wished. We waited with bated breath. And then the letter came-"YES!" She wanted to know us.
We began to exchange letters and information and pictures. We came to know the true circumstances of Jamie's conception and birth. We received pictures of Mary and Jamie's birthfather. Yes, Jamie looks just like Mary! We came to know Mary as a loving, mature and responsible young woman.
ANOTHER STEP
In April of 1986 we met Sarah and Rob, the birthparents of our second child. As we got to know and love them, I realized we had never talked to Mary about meeting. She was living in Minnesota and besides, I was afraid. I was afraid she would think we were too old or too fat or would wish she had chosen someone else. I know these thoughts reveal my own insecurities, but this is the truth. Sarah suggested we could offer to send a video and/or to meet. We agreed. I wrote to Mary the next day. she responded that she didn't want to meet us, but that she would like a video. At Easter we took about an hour's worth of video pictures and mailed it off. she was thrilled with the pictures and wanted to meet us. She would be coming to Monterey to visit her boyfriend and said she would call when she arrived. We wondered how to prepare Jamie. He had known all along that he was adopted. We told Jamie that Mary was coming and asked him if he would rather go to Monterey or have her visit us in Palo Alto. "I want her to come here so I can show her my room," he declared. Her call came. I was shocked the first time I heard her voice. It was lower and stronger than I had expected. We made plans to go to the zoo the next day.
THE MEETING
Now it was already 11 A.M. Where was she? Finally the dogs began to bark, alerting us to an arrival. I felt sick with excitement. As she came over the bridge to our house, we gazed at each other-a moment frozen in time--strangers, yet intimately bonded. We hugged happily, as if long lost relatives. Jamie was a little shy at first, but was soon showing his room to Mary and talking excitedly. Mary explained to us that she had refused to meet us at first because she was afraid she would "fall apart in front of Jamie and it would be bad for him. But when I saw the video, I realized, here was a little boy I didn't know and I wanted to meet him." The rest of the day passed in a blur of happiness. We piled into the car, enjoyed a day at the zoo, came back for dinner and then went biking for ice cream. I felt so full, I thought I would burst-full of joy and gratitude and a sense of completion. As she left, Mary gave us another precious gift when she exclaimed, "Now I know I made the right decision."
EPILOGUE
The summer after our first meeting, Jamie and I had a chance to stop in Minnesota on our way East. Last year Mary got married and just became the mother of a little boy. She sent a wonderful message to Jamie, "Let him know that just because I have my own boy now (to keep) does not mean that he is any less special to me. He will always hold a special place in my heart. His little half-brother won't take that away from him." Jamie just beamed when I read him that!
EDITOR'S NOTE:
This is our story. If our birthmother had chosen no contact, we would have honored that. Contact with birthfamilies is an issue that needs negotiation between adoptive families and birthfamilies. This sensitive issue comes up continually in our relationships with birthparents and birthgrandparents. We have found that it needs constant renegotiation as our relationship develops.
EPILOGUE 2
Our relationship has continued to deepen over the years. James is fourteen now and a young man. Mary is married to a wonderful man and together they have a 6 year old son and a three year old daughter. We will all be together for Thanksgiving. And we just met the birthgrandparents this year after 10 years of corresponding by mail.
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