The Married Child

I met Nancy during my second year on the job. Her cousin, Jim, a part-time cop, introduced me to her. I was on patrol with Jim one day when we drove by her house, which happened to be in our assigned area. Since she was a nurse and I was a cop, it took us months before we actually went out, thanks to conflicting work schedules. Nancy and I went out eight times before I asked her to marry me. We were engaged in October of 1975, and married in June of 1976. I fell in love with her very quickly.

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I think it was our first date on the beach. I spent the whole day with her, talking and getting to know her. I realized that I had strong feelings for her, as well as finding her very sexually attractive. I wasn't sure why I fell for her so quickly. It was totally out of character for me. I think it started with the strange sensation I felt when I first met her family. "I feel the love and warmth that exists in your home," I told Nancy after meeting her family. "I felt it when I first met your mother. It seems to fill the whole house. Your mother seems to accept me without reservation. Even your father accepts me. You have a great family. I wish mine were as warm."

Had I fallen in love with Nancy or with her family? There was so much love and caring in her family, and I had not let myself love for a long time. Nancy loved me and accepted my faults, but I was not sure I loved her in the same way. I needed her, though, and that wasn't really fair. I couldn't let myself love Nancy enough. I was afraid if I did she would go away. If I didn't love her totally and she left, then I would not be hurt as badly in the end. I wouldn't lose anything. I wouldn't be able to handle abandonment. My protective shell would save me from the pain of rejection I knew would come someday. I bought Nancy presents and sent her flowers on a regular basis. She thought it was very romantic. She didn't know it was more than that. Not until much later did she realize that much of that behavior was spurred by my ever-present insecurity. I would try to buy love because I felt I was not worthy to be loved freely.

My father immediately liked Nancy. I sensed my mother was more distant and less approving. I don't understand all the reasons my mother seemed to disapprove of Nancy. Nancy tried very hard to get close to her but the relationship was never very deep. Nancy made an interesting observation when she first met my parents. She found my father more friendly and outgoing than my mother. She saw my mother as somewhat more reserved and distant. I sometimes saw things in the reverse as I was growing up. She made another observation as well. She said "Mike, you don't look like either one of your parents. Are you sure you're not adopted?" "As a matter of fact, Nancy, I am adopted and so is my sister," I told her. "Oh my God, Mike," she gasped, "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I meant it as a joke. I'm really sorry." "Don't worry about it," I said, "And stop saying you're sorry. It's no big deal."

The first several months of our marriage were hell. One of the major contributing factors to our problems during that first year was the conflict in our work schedules. I began to dislike being a police officer. Due to a personnel shortage, I was being forced to work overtime every week. There were a lot of other internal problems with the department, too. I was working ten hour days, six days a week. Nancy and I had no lives. That was not what I wanted. I wanted to be more than just a cop, but the department's policy was "the job comes first." My outlook on life was that my family was more important. The strain became unbearable. Nancy only had every other weekend off, and worked a permanent evening shift. I was rotating shifts and had every sixth weekend off. We lived by writing notes to each other. Eventually, it came down to the choice between my job and my family. Since it was my job that was causing the problems, I decided to quit. I wasn't happy about it, but I saw no other option. I didn't want to lose Nancy. I could always get another job. I wasn't so sure I could get another wife. I gave my two weeks notice and left without having another job. Nancy's salary, which was twice what I had been making, was more than enough for us to live on. She encouraged me to go back to school. I didn't. I needed to find a job. I was the husband, and I didn't want my wife to have to support me. I felt guilty about this... Thankfully, Nancy stayed with me through all this. She is not a quitter. She knew I had good qualities and I would be successful. As our first year of marriage passed, I learned to control myself better.

...After I quit my job, I ended up finding another job outside of police work. Nancy and I moved to the other end of the state and bought a house. That was the best move we could have made. I didn't see my parents much anymore. Within a month of moving into the house, Nancy was pregnant. I didn't think it would happen so quickly. If it was a boy, I was determined to name him David as I had promised myself years ago. Nancy wondered what our kids would look like, since I had no family history. She brought that up constantly while she was pregnant. She joked about the child possibly having red hair or green skin. Although she was joking, I knew it was something that bothered her. It certainly bothered me. Our kids were not going to have any medical history. I thought very seriously about looking for my natural family when Nancy was pregnant with David. We talked about it, but I never did anything about it. I was not ready, or perhaps too scared.

One thing my father told my mother before he died was that he thought Nancy and I would never have kids. I'm not sure why he said this, and my mother said she didn't know. I didn't want to speculate. I'm glad he was wrong on that score. As I mentioned, it was impossible to get any information out of either one of my parents regarding my adoption. One time, Nancy and I were sitting at the kitchen table with my parents. While flipping through the pages of our family album, Nancy found a piece of paper. It was from the St. Theresa Home for Unwed Mothers, and contained directions for feeding an infant. As soon as my father realized what she was looking at, he snatched it out of her hand. "You don't need to see this." Nancy was perplexed, but didn't say anything. My father changed the subject. He asked, "If you have a boy, have you decided on a name?" Nancy responded before I could. She said, "Yes we have. We are going to name a boy 'David.' If we have a girl, we'll name her 'Julie.'" "What made you pick the name 'David'?" my father asked. "It's a name both Nancy and I like and agree on," I added my two cents. He didn't really accept that explanation as the truth, but he never said anymore about it. On the way home, I could see Nancy thinking about something. "Your father sure got upset when I found that paper with your infant formula. Your parents never talk about your being adopted. I wonder why?" "I don't know," I said. "Please drop it. I don't want to think about it anymore."

...As I held my infant son in my arms and changed his diapers, I gazed at him intently. That little bundle of humanity was the only other being to whom I was biologically connected until my daughter Julie was born. He was the only person to share my genetic heritage - a heritage as alien and unknown to me as any black hole in the ever-expanding cosmic void.

My father was also very proud of David. David was eight months old when my father died. During those eight months, my father carried a picture of David with him all the time. I noticed it at his bedside in the hospital when he was dying. I guess I had finally done something right. My children are connected. They know who they are and where they came from. They even look like me and Nancy. Julie looks so much like me that I call her my "little stamp." Both of my children are friendly, outgoing and fun-loving. They have a free and natural way of expressing themselves. I encourage that in them. I want them to be themselves, as long as they aren't hurting anyone. I missed doing police work, and luckily I found another job in a department with a work schedule less stressful on my marriage. I spent most of the next fourteen years working toward being promoted, and I put less effort into my children. I didn't devote as much time to them as I would have liked. Part of the reason for this was the odd shifts I was working. When I was with them, though, I thoroughly enjoyed them. I took every opportunity to play with David when he was an infant and a toddler. I would play with him and his toys on the floor or build things in the sandbox with him. I would take him, and later Julie, or both of them, on errands with me. I loved to show them off. I hugged them, gave them baths, and changed their diapers. I would take them to the park and go for walks in the woods with them. I did all the things my father never did with me. I played catch in the back yard with David. I even played "house" with Julie. I was content with the interaction I had with my children.

In some ways I may have been selfish. I was living the version of what I wanted my childhood to be like through David and Julie. I never wanted to lose the ability to communicate with them. As they got older, the time I spent with them became less and less, though. I knew I had to make the most of that time. David and Julie know they are loved and cared for by their father as well as their mother. Having my children understand that is very important. Through my children I learned the importance of sacrifice and to become less selfish. When the kids were in grammar school I put on astronomy demonstrations. David's first grade class came to the house for an observing session with my telescope. I did the same thing a couple of years later for his third grade class. I thoroughly enjoyed this activity. The kids loved looking at the moon and the planets. I was proud to be able to do it for them. Kids at that age are great. They have such great ideas and insight. They ask intriguing questions that belie their ages. David is an outstanding athlete. He is good at many sports and has lots of friends. They always want him on their team. He does not spend much time by himself. The phone is always ringing for him. Sometimes I feel like his answering service. He is a very deep thinker, as is Julie. David does not climb into himself as much as I did when I was his age. He is very affable and outgoing most of the time. Julie is more like me. When she ponders some mystery, she retreats into her room and can be very quiet for a long time. She has a vivid imagination. Both she and David are good writers and display artistic ability. My one regret is that I wish they had been spared from what I am going to relate in subsequent chapters. I never intended for my children to become victims of my internal demons...

I can't sufficiently explain how important Nancy is to me. She is a truly remarkable woman and my best friend, lover, confidant and strongest advocate. I want to explain more about her before I begin the next leg of my journey. Her support and strength were invaluable pillars throughout all that happened next. I will not shirk my responsibility and use the issues of my adoption as an excuse for my behavior. I said and did things to Nancy that no wife should have to put up with. No husband should think that they ever have the right to take their anger and frustration out on someone who has done nothing to them. No wife should think she must endure a husband who releases his buried demons, even when not an intentional act. Marriage, if it is to be more than a mere legal contract, subject to revocation at the slightest pretext, must be an equal partnership between two people who have mutual respect for each others' views and values. The fact that my behavior was latter found to be a part of my search process does not ameliorate the conduct. I did not see how much I truly loved Nancy until it was almost too late. I had to confront my demons before I truly let myself love her the way she deserves to be loved. I may describe Nancy as if she were a martyr, but she is not. She is a woman who loves her husband and her family enough to fight for them desperately. She never let go, even when I was at my worst. Nancy married me, accepting the unresolved issues that she knew might someday explode. She understands that in the depths of my being, I truly love her and share the values and beliefs that she has. She is the best life partner a person like me could have. It is to Nancy that I owe my greatest love and appreciation.

Who is Nancy? I have been married to her for twenty-five years, and I still find new and mysterious facets to her personality as the years go by. The fact that she is still with me has prompted many people to dub her "Saint Nancy." She dislikes that term because of the implication of martyrdom. She was a victim, as were my children, the ones who suffered the most throughout my next phase of discovery even after finding my natural family. Nancy is a very attractive woman, even after twenty-five years of marriage and two children. She has not physically changed much since the day I met her. She still fits easily into her wedding dress. She has the most beautiful pair of legs! She even gets compliments from other women about how nice her legs are. She has beautiful brown hair and her blue eyes are offset by the natural shading of her complexion. She has a smooth grace when she walks and carries herself with a certain restrained dignity and confidence. Nancy's physical attractiveness is complemented by her outgoing and genuine personality. She has a free and easy-going nature with a robust sense of humor. One of the most wonderful things about Nancy is that she makes me laugh. She comes up with some witty things on the spur of the moment, and her sense of humor is a bulwark during times of adversity. Nancy never plays head games with me. She gives her love unconditionally and without reservation. I know where I stand with her, as does anyone who meets her. Nancy is also somewhat mysterious, and this adds an aura of excitement to our relationship. She is very honest and extremely generous to others and is recognized for that trait by her patients and her supervisors. Nancy is a person who will give of herself and ask nothing in return but a "thank you."

Nancy has a very easy manner about her, even in her professional capacity. She easily establishes a rapport with her patients and most other people. She is a very caring and loving person. She is perceived by many people as a perfectionist, and in some respects, such as keeping the house spotless, she approaches the description. Our house is so neatly organized that people have said it looks like a showcase home. Nancy works hard to keep it that way, but she is by no means obsessed with perfection. She merely takes a deep pride in her ability to keep the things she has in good order. She does not make great demands on me for material things. She is content with the simple things in life, and takes each day as it comes. She finds great happiness in working in her flower garden, getting excited over the simple blooming of one of her rose bushes. She could talk about that for hours, and it would keep her spirits up for days. She doesn't require me to supply her with millions of dollars to be happy. She loves me for me. I often take her for granted. I came very close to losing a precious gem of a person. Nancy is too special to risk losing, and I doubt I could ever find anyone even close to the way she compliments my personality. All my life I was told how to act, what to say, and what to think. I envisioned that marriage would be an opportunity which would allow me to be in charge of my own life. For once, I could be who I really was. This is not always the case. I still acted like a selfish child after I was married. I did things out of impulse, and Nancy didn't always like it. Other times, she enjoyed my spontaneity, especially if it involved the kids.

Nancy is my sanity and my refuge, although at times I have failed to realize that. She is the practical one who keeps my head on earth when I am tempted to get carried away on flights of fancy. Her devotion to family and friends is genuine. She is able to make artistic items, build a table, repair a faucet, and plant a flower with equal ease and skill. Our household is decorated with a multitude of items which Nancy has made. They are a testament to her ingenuity and talent. She sells some of the items at craft shows. She dreams of someday opening a craft shop where she could sell her creations. I believe she will accomplish that goal, as she has so many others in her life. Nancy is a superb mother. She loves David and Julie with the natural, free-flowing love that should exist between a mother and a child. Nancy is not overly protective, yet she expresses her concern and feelings towards each of the children. During David's difficult teen-age years, her strength and patience were invaluable. Although they had many arguments, Nancy never gave up talking to either of the kids. Both David and Julie know they have a very special mother. Even if David and Nancy have a major fight, he still says he loves her before he goes to bed at night. She has passed onto each of them her sense of values and her ability to care. I have tried to contribute to these values as well. During the crisis to come, Nancy was the rock - the foundation that held together our marriage. She is a woman who loves her husband enough to stand by him at the most critical time of his life. Marriage is certainly not an easy proposition, especially when one of the partners is haunted by serious, undefined issues from the past. It takes an exceptional person like Nancy, with great inner strength and security, to see through the surface layer of issues and have the faith that the underlying foundation is based on concrete and not sawdust.

Many relationships fail today because they are based on superficiality and no grounded cornerstone. When the superficial attraction is gone from these relationships and the road becomes difficult, people often give up. The instant gratification generation can't deal with interruptions of their illusions. They run from one relationship to another when the illusion bursts. Consequently, there is often a trail of broken dreams, confused and emotionally damaged children and economic strain on the society that must support the results of this breakdown between people. Nancy holds many things inside and I often don't know what she is truly thinking. She is a private person in that regard, and her privacy is an intriguing facet of her persona. In part, some of the problems in our marriage are facilitated by my abuse of this inner strength of Nancy's, as many times I would defer my responsibilities onto her. These were things I should have been doing as part of the marriage agreement. Nancy seemed to be able to take care of everything so well that I allowed her to. Inevitably, a pattern developed in our marriage to the point where I felt I was not needed. It was a similar rejection pattern from my youth. Nancy could handle everything, and I was only window dressing. I didn't assert myself because I remained a little boy. I never fully grew to a mature adult emotional state. This is not a healthy thing for anyone's marriage. Nancy stayed with me and supported me through many crises at home and at work. She was always there for me, but I was not always there for her...

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