Choices Times Three

The following story is a unique personal story of our family.

We adopted three daughters in the 1960's and 1970's through private adoptions. As adopted parents we searched for the birth mothers and fathers. Our story relates why we feel it is important for us and our daughters to have information and the birth family to know how that child is progressing and as they grow, to know about them as adults, as well. This can be done with direct contact or through an agency.

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This choice has certainly affected our family. Meeting the three birth mothers and one birth dad has really extended our family. A true family is based upon shared joys and respect for each other and our position in this child's life.

We really encourage open information and never keeping adoption a secret. The choice must be Life. Life is too precious to throw away. Abortion is a death sentence to a innocent child and can never be undone. The child is dead and the Mother suffers for the rest of her life. With some information always available upon request this birth mom never has the guilt of a lost life due to her request. I have heard many girls who aborted say they suffer and never forget what they did. Many suffer from post traumatic stress disorder, and have nightmares and hear the cries of the little life as their life is being taken.

The story I have to tell is very unique. My husband and I had a son 3 years old and I had just had my fourth miscarriage. We had talked about adopting a baby girl if I couldn't carry and give birth to a second child. During my fourth pregnancy I was experiencing problems and discussed with my doctor our decision to adopt. Also, in the 60's you could ask for a boy or girl and we thought it would be nice to have a sister for our son. My doctor agreed that adoption would be a excellent option. I was on "Let's Make a Deal" and won baby cribs etc. for 4 babies. Our garage filled with cribs but in July I lost the baby. We went to the agency and received the paperwork to start adoption procedures. August 14th our phone rang and it was my doctor. He told me he had just delivered a 5 lb. 2 oz. girl who needed a mom and dad. We were so excited. An hour later we met our little girl. Our son chose the name from two names we had picked. At 3 days we brought Lori home. She was only 17 inches long and 5 lbs. 2 oz. A little doll with a head full of dark hair. When Lori was almost a month old the adoption worker called and told us the biological mother wanted to meet us before she signed the papers. We were very worried that she would take one look at Lori and wouldn't go through with signing for her adoption. She wanted to meet us on September 14th at the agency's office. September 14th was our son's birthday - he would be 4 years old. After talking my husband and I decided to invite Lori's birth mother to our home on the 14th. She could see our home, Lori's family and it wouldn't be as cold as an office. We were all so upset we couldn't believe that after the visit we would get to adopt Lori.

I packed a suitcase of items for Lori and we decided if her birth mother had a change of decision that she would leave our home with Lori. The possibility of another loss was almost more than we could handle; to loose 4 babies during pregnancy and now we might lose our little girl Lori. We went ahead with Mike's birthday party and our evening visit came too fast. We welcomed Christine when she came to our door. I took her to Lori's room and she commented on how little she was. I picked Lori up and asked Christine if she would like to hold her. She said "I'd like to if you don't mind." I placed Lori in her arms and she talked to her. She told her she was a lucky baby and a pretty baby. She gave Lori a kiss and said go to your mommy now. It was all I could do not to let her see the tears as I turned and placed Lori back into her crib. Chris and I went to join my husband and son in the living room. We talked for about an hour. Our son talked with Lori's birth mother and even said thank you for my baby sister. We asked if she had any special request or wanted pictures or calls or visits. She said no. Her family didn't know about Lori and her desire was for Lori to have a family. She said she felt much better having seen Lori and her family and would go sign the papers that next day. We walked her to the door. I hugged her and we thanked her for our beautiful baby. We told her we would tell Lori she was loved very much. As the door closed we cried for the girl who walked away and we also cried for happiness that we would be Lori's parents. The papers were signed and the adoption went through.

We loved life and our son and daughter. We did lots of camping, visits at Christmas and summer visits with relatives. We had a son, daughter, dog and cat. In the 70's we made a big move across country to the area I had grown up. We started talking about the desire for another child. We started adoption proceedings. It was going to be a longer wait we were told. Adoption was getting harder. We had a friend who knew of a girl that was expecting in 6 months. She wanted to place her child out for adoption at birth. The girl contacted our attorney and we were told that we would have a son or daughter in June. We were so excited. Shopping for the baby was fun for all of us. As June got closer the baby's room was lovingly fixed for the new brother or sister. The due date went by. Our phone rang constantly, friends and family anxious for good news. The phone finally rang with the news that the girl had given birth to a son and changed her mind and decided to keep her baby.

We were devastated. How could this happen? Why after 4 miscarriages and the fear of not keeping Lori would this now happen. It was like a death in the family. Everyone was in a state of shock. We met with our friend who was a lawyer. He felt as bad as we did. Our family had recently become Christians and my husband said as Christians we must have faith that God knew best. At the time his words didn't make anyone feel any better and my arms felt so empty. Life went on and we continued with our adoption classes. I also chose one of the baby outfits I had bought if the baby was a boy and had it taken to the son we never got to see.

June went into July. We packed away the baby items and prayed that we wouldn't have to wait years to bring them out. August 27th the phone rang. The furthest thing from my thoughts was a baby. We knew it would take a long time. We had only begun the process with the agency. I picked up the phone to hear our friend say congratulations, you have a daughter. I was in shock. It seemed they were aware of another child but didn't tell us as they didn't want us to go through what we went through in June after 6 months of waiting.

The nursery was set up, a name chosen and birth announcements sent out to family and friends. Jennifer Lynn was brought home at 3 days old. She had with her a number of gifts from the biological family. The most special was a wall hanging cross engraved on the back - I.L.Y.

Everyone loved Jenny. She was a little auburn-haired doll with beautiful blue eyes. She got the nickname Jenny Bow because she always had bows in her hair. When Jen was a few weeks old our friend the attorney called. He said remember what Al said about trusting in God. Well, I was just called and the baby boy kept by his mom only lived a few months and passed away. I cried for the son we never knew and I cried in thankfulness that we had Jen and had been spared the death of another baby. God was good to us. He knew how much we could handle. After the family funeral, I went to the cemetery to leave a flower arrangement, say a prayer and to spend a few minutes with the son we didn't get to know.

As Jenny grew we wanted a brother or sister for the family. The agencies told us it would be years. So we were told by an attorney we could place an ad and as long as we didn't buy a baby and it was handled legally, everything would be okay.

We placed an ad and asked for responses to be sent to a box number at the newspaper. Keely's birth mother answered the ad and she made an appointment to meet with our attorney.

In December our third daughter was born. We got to bring her home at 3 days old, and the raising of Keely began. The first 4 months of her life she wasn't doing well. She cried constantly and would have diarrhea 20 minutes after every bottle. She was changed from one formula to another on a weekly basis. We couldn't hold her or calm her. The longest she slept day or night was 47 minutes, and she cried all the time. She was pale, her eyes had circles, her hair started falling out and everyone was exhausted.

The doctor kept telling us she had colic and kept changing her formula. Keely started having ear infections and would be finished with medication and within 15 days get another one. The family and friends were exhausted; very little sleep for everyone. Jen was in nursery school mornings and the older kids in school. Dad was at work and mom and baby at home. Everyone was feeling the lack of sleep and feeling the pressure of a baby crying all the time; 4 months and never sleeping longer than 47 minutes. She would wake up and cry; giving bottles only to change her within 20 minutes and the constant crying.

Finally one morning after dad was off to work and the older kids off to school, mom couldn't do anything to make the baby feel better. The crying was constant. What should I do? Another call to the doctor only to be told to change the formula again? I bundled Keely up and drove to the next town where there was a family medical clinic. I walked into the clinic with a screaming baby and asked for help and a doctor. I was in such distress and the nurse had the doctor see us immediately. Upon examination and testing, the doctor found that Keely was anemic, had a heart murmur, and was underweight. He suggested admitting her to a hospital under the care of a children's specialist who would know what tests could be done to help heal Keely. After all tests were done, she was started on a diet of soy formula and rice cereal. She finally was able to sleep for 2, then 3 hours at a time.

We were all so happy when Keely started gaining weight and her heart murmur disappeared. At five months she was all over the house, she slept only a few hours at a time. By eight months she was walking holding on to sofa and chairs to get where she wanted. At a year old she had quite a vocabulary. She did not like car seats, playpens, highchairs, or being held. She had started walking on her toes which we thought must be painful. No one could let her out of sight for a moment. She talked constantly, slept little, ran every where, and could get into or up on anything she wanted. She had been swimming for a few months and had lessons weekly. She was sleeping in a room without furniture with a lot of soft toys and mattresses on the floor. This was better then another fall from crib.

One morning mom found Keely's room empty. Keely was downstairs and, in her Winnie the Pooh sleeper, she was swimming in the hot tub. After that, a lock was placed on the door of her bedroom. After finding her on top of her bureau and reaching over for the open window, all furniture was removed. On moving day, the only safe place we could find for Keely was to set our German Shepherd's chain-linked fenced yard with a gate out on the lawn at the new house. This was a height of over 6 feet and we could lock it from the outside. Keely was content to play inside of this with all her toys while we moved our furniture in. The dog was outside, Keely inside and the family could unload the moving van. At lunch time our new neighbor arrived at the door with a tray full of food and a pitcher of iced tea. We introduced ourselves and she finally asked us about the little girl in the dog kennel outside. Well, needless to say, we were surprised our neighbor had still brought us food after seeing Keely in a dog pen. We explained that Keely had been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. Fortunately, our new neighbor was a nurse, and we weren't turned in for child abuse. Days and months went by. Keely kept everyone busy. Everyone looked for ways to be away from home. Keely could out-run, walk, talk, swim or stay awake everyone. No one would baby-sit after Keely turned 2 years old. We were told that at 3 years old we could ask the local school system for testing and help. We tried many nursery schools but Keely never got to stay very long at any of them.

On Mother's Day one year mom got in the car and left the kids with dad only to return 15 hours later. A visit with a friend 3 hours away who had 5 kids was this mom's Mother's Day break.

At times, Keely was like five kids in one. She got attention everywhere and from everyone. Sometimes, or most times, not good attention. People would look at her and see only an overly active, talkative, busy child. ADHD is not easily recognized by society. Many people questioned our being good parents; why didn't we just give her a good spanking. People couldn't see or understand Keely's activity level or her outspoken talking as being anything other than a rebellious child not receiving proper discipline.

Years of counseling social problems, schools, health problems with the entire family; looking for answers and help with everything from vitamins, diet, medications. Year after year of disappointments with schools. Keely couldn't take part in programs or sports or even going to a friend's home to play. She was too active and her attention span so short, she was more than anyone wanted to deal with. The family spent years with Keely -evaluations, testing and included her in diverse activities. Also, neurological testing, school changes, moving to obtain better educational opportunity were tried.

A family member had to be with Keely constantly, at school she often was mistreated or verbally hurt by students, staff, and parents of other students. She was not invited to birthday parties or invited to their homes, A number of times she was physically mistreated. She was graded on what she could not get done and not on what did get done and was correct.

The years of schooling have been exhausting. Good years, mostly bad years:

Repeating grades, teachers, students and other parents, some who understood and some who didn't.

Repeated failures that resulted in low self-esteem.

The constant necessity of family to be near Keely to shelter her and protect her from physical and/or verbal abuses from others.

The burning out of everyone in the family. Exhaustion a daily problem for everyone.

The tears because someone would say or do something to hurt her feelings. The tears and exhaustion and disappointment and hurt that people could be so cruel to a child.

The frustration for family when anyone would forget to give Keely her medication and the results for Keely.

Finding Keely in grades at school where she should have been 2 grades ahead but had been kept back. The begging, pleading, crying of family for help for proper schooling for Keely and finally the decision to find a private school for ADHD kids. A safe place, a place to learn, grow, mature, and re-build her self-esteem, to be loved and recognized as an individual. Keely needed special schooling from day one but our system fights to keep these children mainstreamed in public or Christian schools that failed to meet her needs.

After the years of schooling for Keely who had a very high IQ, but suffered from attention deficit hyperactivity disorder we know that the school systems are failing with keeping these kids in public or Christian schools. They must be in special ed. Schools-- in residential situations. This is not something that can be only for a few hours a day. These children need 24 hour guidance, Education, help with daily life. Organizational help and small classes even if it takes one on one to achieve for this student. Without the proper schools available many of these children become problems as adults, make poor choices, and end up with problems and lifestyles they did not deserve. Proper education, medications and services are important. Keely and our family have suffered greatly and still suffer from the experiences of the last 19 years. No one deserves to go through what we have. At 13 we found a private special school for A.D.H.D and Al and I decided to leave Al's job put our home up for sale and take Keely to a Special ED. Boarding school in New Mexico. Al and I worked at various jobs and met the costs ourselves. The cost was high, but the reward great. Keely advanced to proper grade level. And made up for years lost in public and Christian schools. Summer 1993 we spent in New Hampshire and Keely got to meet her Birth mother. We also had to find a different school for Keely's next year. We were still paying off the prior year and Keely could not return until this was paid. We found a school that was in another state. This year was very different. Keely had some very traumatic experiences that caused suffering that will always be with her. Her family is a great support team.

Our son Mike and his wife Sue have two boys, Devin and Tyler. Lori is a gifted first grade teacher, and had 10 years to share with her birth Mom. We have great memories of Chris who was so much a part of our lives. She passed away from cancer. We loved her very much and I think of her often. Our daughter Jennifer was bridesmaid for her birth mom a few years ago, and now has a half sister Alexis. Al and I are special Pa Pa and Mi Mi to this little Doll. We have all met Jennifer's birth family's including her birth dad and his family. Keely is now a teacher of four year olds... she lost her birth mom in a tragic auto accident . We are Pa pa And Mimi to our special family --Pete and Sue's boys Jonathan and Colin. And last March Jennifer had a beautiful Daughter --Kaya Jean Learnard. 1998 begins and our plans are to be at Kaya Jeans one year old birthday in March. Summer at our lake house With Devin's and Tyler's birthdays, lots of short trips and days at the lake with family and friends. God is good. He is with us through the good times and the hard. We live by Faith and know in our hearts our family is always there for each other.

We dedicate this story to Chistine-- Lori's Birth Mom, and to the son we never got to hold and adopt. Thank you Linda for life given our Keely, and to Jennifer's Birth Mom, Cathie, whom we see often. We love you.

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