Encouragement and Caution

I am a 55-year-old adoptee with an amazingly short and fully successful story about my search for my birth parents. Very few adoptees have ever been able to so quickly locate their families with such unexpected results.

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I had never intended to search out my birth parents. The parents who raised myself, my adopted sister (biologically unrelated) and my two younger brothers were such wonderful parents that I never really felt a need to know more than I was old...that my little sister and I were adopted. I always knew, or rather, suspected that my parents, most especially my mother, would have been hurt or disappointed in me, in some way, if I expressed interest in my biological parents, so I didn't.

My father died in 1994 and my mother in 1999, and I still didn't want or need to undertake a search. Then, like so many other people across this continent, my thinking on the really important things in life changed forever on September 11, 2001. I began to consider what it would be like to know if I had siblings that I was genetically related to. I began to wonder if there is someone out there that I resemble in looks, or in personality. So in the middle of 2002, I began my search for "me" with an application to the State of California to open my adoption record.

In California it is possible to get your adoption records, with all references to names and addresses of involved individuals blacked out, through a simple application process. I submitted my application, and within a couple of months, I received a packet of information about where I came from, who my parents were, and the circumstances of my birth.

Although names and addresses were expunged, all the other details about my adoption were intact. It was wonderful beyond belief to find out that I am Irish and Italian on my mother's side and Swiss on my father's after years of teasing about being an "everything" or an "anything you want." When asked about my heritage, I could finally tell people where I am from "ethnically". There was lots of other information too. I was born at home, not in a hospital. My mother was barely 18; my grandfather delivered me. I was named by my mother (and my adoptive parents kept the name), and my mother never told my father that she was pregnant and gave their child up for adoption.

There was so much information to absorb and digest, and there was also a form letter from the State of California with instructions on how to have the record fully unsealed (names revealed) and get a copy of my original birth certificate.

In late January of 2003 my sister and I went to Monterey Park to the Juvenile Court of the county we were born in (even adult adoptees are handled through the Juvenile Court in California) to submit a petition to the court to open our adoption records for medical reasons. We filed our petitions and were told by the court clerk that it would take 4-6 months for the judge to review the cases (each one individually, of course) and we would be informed by mail. It was kind of funny, but my sister mentioned on Easter Sunday that we should be hearing soon, and I reminded her that six months would be the end of July and to NOT make herself overly anxious by jumping the gun. Then, the following Saturday, April 26th, I got notification that my petition had been approved and that upon receipt of $37.00 for the cost of photocopying, I would receive my full record.

On Monday morning at 8:30 when the post office opened, I was standing tall, getting my money order and sending it off "post haste" in hopes that within 2-3 weeks I'd have the keys to my beginning. On Friday, May 2, not even one week later, my son called me and said there was an envelope from the Juvenile Court. I RACED home from work; it was 4:30 PM. It all happened so fast that it is hard to tell it in the order in which it happened. We were so careful with both the envelope and its contents. As if we might break or tear some vital piece of information, we read it together, page by page and THERE was her name...my MOTHER'S name.

I was so excited I could hardly dial the telephone. In fact, I had to settle myself for a few minutes before I did, only to have the other end squeak and whistle at me when I dialed...a FAX! So we called information. When we gave his name, we were given the same phone number. What to do...well...send a FAX I thought, so I sat down and wrote a fairly short letter explaining enough so that he would understand that I wasn't OUT looking for ANYTHING from ANYONE but that this was a legitimate search for the mother of an adopted child...me.

My son and I went down to my place of employment to FAX the letter. At this time it was only 8:00 PM, less than 4 hours from when I first opened the envelope from the court. We were so elated and yet so apprehensive that we could hardly talk to one another. We stopped and had an ice cream cone, comfort food, and drove home. The phone was ringing when we walked into the house. My son answered for me but we BOTH knew who it was going to be...my UNCLE! What a kind and wonderful man he is. Although he was 12 years old when I was born , as I said before, I was born at home. He never knew his sister was pregnant or had a baby. No one in his family ever knew as far as he knows, other than his parents of course, so when he received my letter, although he WAS shocked, he simply called his sister (my mom) to tell her of my letter and to ask her if she had a child when she was 18. With these words I knew that my Mom was alive, and in the several phone calls I have shared with my Uncle, I have come to know that I have four half siblings, my mother is fine, although she is a widow, and that at least for the time being, she doesn't wish to have contact with me. Although I DO understand, it is such a disappointment.

Both of my sons said, "Well, why don't you look for your dad?" I must say that I had been a little reluctant to do so because of his never even knowing of my existence, but he IS my father. I feel strongly that he SHOULD know if he has a child, especially if it turned out that I was his only child. So we went back to the internet, and without much more effort than we had put into finding my uncle, we found my dad also living in California, but northern California, not southern where I am living and was born. This time, there was no phone number, only an address. So I sat on that one for a while and put my energy into preparing a "Book of My Life" for my mother, if she ever decides she'd like to meet me...pages of photos, divided into sections, of my baby years, childhood and school years, college, marriage, my sons, our homes, and my friends and family. This book was such a labor of love. I spent several months on it, and when it was completed in September, my mother had still not sought any contact.

Two and a half weeks ago, I wrote a long letter to my father. I explained who I was and where I came from. I even gave him the address of the house where I was born so that he would know it wasn't a hoax of some kind. I explained that I didn't want or need anything from him or anyone else, only to know if it might be possible to meet him that I have such a curiosity about my background and heritage. I explained that my mother was not ready to make contact with me and that I was disappointed but would not force the issue with her. Likewise, if he was not interested in meeting me at this time, I would try to understand, but could he please let me know of his decision and that I am so anxious to make some sort of contact. I would at least like to KNOW of his decision if he doesn't want to.

Almost three weeks have gone by without a word, and I am feeling deep disappointment all over again. So I am sending this to spread words of encouragement to all adoptees searching for their biological roots, encouragement to seek the answers you want and need and to realize that not all adoption searches are long and agonizing and ultimately futile. There are some quick and gratifying results for some lucky searchers such as myself, but I would also beg every reader of this letter to exercise the greatest caution with your feelings and caution with your expectations. It never occurred to me that neither of my parents would wish to meet me. I am a very optimistic and outgoing person. I am a professional with a good education and successful sons, yet I let my expectations of what it would be like to find my biological parents carry me away on the wings of a highly successful search, only to have those expectations cruelly dashed to bits. This disappointment is ALL of my own doing.

So look for your families. Look high and low. Look HARD. Look with persistence. Look with hope. But please remember to keep your expectations of reunions to come within the realm of reality, because IN REALITY, our parents of years or decades ago may simply wish to let the past lie in the past.

Thank you for this opportunity...this forum, if you will, to tell MY story. Hopefully the end of it has yet to come.

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