Grieving Peggy: Finding a Grave at the End of a Search

As I approach the fifth anniversary of finding Peggy, my birthmother, deceased, I look back and realize that finding a grave at the end of my search was one of the most difficult and stressful experiences in my life. The days of grieving often felt endless. The intense emotions and the pain made it difficult to foresee a better time ahead. During my most difficult moments, many people said that time would ease the pain.

The first few months after my search had been completed I was numb with shock. I would feel as if this wasn't happening to me. It's not supposed to be this way. I could not eat. My stomach would ache each time I would try to eat. I was sad and unable to concentrate on anything. All the while I tried to figure out why this was happening to me. I obsessed on "what ifs" and felt guilty because I didn't find Peggy before she died. I even blamed others for her being dead. Sometimes, my feeling were directed at unexpected targets. Looking back I now realize how many people I hurt during this period in my life.

Now I can accept the reality of Peggy's death. I can go on with my life. I still feel angry at times and cry easily, but my life has begun to recover from the loss. The second loss of my birthmother will always be traumatic, but I am learning to put it into perspective. I accept that the feelings I have are part of the grief process and try to share them with my family and friends. I let them know I need to talk and reach out to them asking for their support. They have always been there.

Since the day I completed my search, I keep something of Peggy's near me. I wear the Italian horn that she wore or carry the photocopy of her hands in my three ring binder at work. She is always in my heart and thoughts. Throughout the year, especially on significant days, I try to honor the memory of my birthmother. It may be writing a piece such as this, sharing my story with others, reflecting privately by the water, visiting the cemetery and placing flowers on her grave or maybe all of the above. Whatever I choose to do I try to do whatever feels right for me in my heart and what comforts me the most. I will always make a point to honor Peggy in some way in order to celebrate my life, her life and our lives together.

You are probably wondering how my adoptive parents have taken all of this? The parents who raised me were thrilled to take me into their family. They appreciate me and have left me alone to be my own person. They don't mess with who I am and who I want to be, but I always know they are there for me when I need them. I love them dearly and feel fortunate to have them. They were supportive throughout most of my search and aftermath. I think they have gone through the same feelings and emotions that I have but for different reasons. Someday, losing them will be no easier and maybe even harder than losing my birthmother.

However, even though I have wonderful parents, I still feel the desire to reconnect with the woman who gave birth to me. Peggy held secrets and knowledge about me that no one else knew and will never know.

Dealing with finding a grave at the end of my search has been a profound and difficult process. Accepting the death of my birthmother and dealing with the emotions of finding a grave has helped me become who I am today. I am not the same person I was five years ago. I still have the same likes and dislikes. I still have the same morals and values that I was raised with, and I am still the caring and loving person that I always have been but now I have a different outlook on life. I even questioned God and whether there really is a God.

Through this ordeal I have found my answer. Many people say, "everything happens for a reason." For the longest time, I had great difficulty believing this. Once I started to realize that God is a part of my life, I could see that God has many paths for each of us but it is our choice which path we chose. We may not always understand the reasons or the path God has given, but when we are ready, we will understand.

The person I am today is not the quiet keep her mouth shut "good adoptee." I stand up for who I am and what I believe in. I am more self-confident in my abilities and myself. I strongly believe I wouldn't be whom I am or where I am if I would have chosen not to search. Now I am happy about where my life is heading. I can finally move on. Sure, I still have many characteristics of an adoptee: fear of abandonment, rejection and difficulty with separation for long periods of time, but this is all part of who I am. I am hopeful that as more time goes by, these fears will lessen.

The pain of loss will always be there, but I am learning to live with it. By this I mean that I don't sidestep the pain. I let myself feel it when it comes and this has been healthier for me. When I let myself grieve, I work through a little more of the pain and hopefully some day I will realize that time did ease the pain.

I wrote this in 1998.

Karen DeLuca
President, Adoption Forum
Founder, PA Adoption Reunion Registry
Adoption Forum, Inc., PO Box 12502, Philadelphia, PA 19151

Tel: 215-238-1116

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