Healing Our Souls
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Thirty years ago girls were sent away from their family and friends for doing what I did. We were shamed, even though we didn't know it was something we shouldn't do. Our parents never talked about it. It was a bad thing.
I was one of those girls who was sent away to a strange place for unwed mothers. I was also convinced that I had to give the baby up for adoption, which is exactly what I did. I had a supportive family, and a boyfriend that wanted to marry me.
According to my parents, I could have kept the baby if I got married. Certainly that wasn't what I wanted to do - I was only seventeen. What did I know about marriage and taking care of a baby? I hadn't even graduated from high school yet. As you can see the option wasn't a choice - that's just the way it was. I remember talking with my boyfriend's mom and she said, "I will raise the baby." At the time I thought, if I can't raise him, neither will anyone else. Maybe I was selfish but I did not understand. I now know that everyone meant well. They didn't know any better either.
I saw my son only once after he was born. I knew it would be too painful to look again. From Jan. 9th, 1970 (the day he was brought into this world) until August 7,1970 (when I signed the Termination of Parental Rights papers in court) I was in turmoil about how I could do this to my son.
It has been a long road from then until now. I often think of my baby that I gave up for adoption. I thought, at the time, it was the best thing I could do for him and I also thought that I would never look for him, or disrupt his life. Now I feel differently.
I am searching for the son I placed for adoption and have recently had contact with his birthfather who is also looking for him. We hope that our son has had a good life and is happy and healthy.
If all turns out the way we hope, I would welcome a reunion with my son, to tell him how much I have missed being a part of his life, and that I am sorry for the choices that are made for us when we are too young to make them for ourselves. Most of all, I'd like to tell him how much I love him and want only the best for him. To all birthparents and adoptees I say, "keep searching." We can heal our souls by knowing we have done the right thing.
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