How We Became A Family
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My husband Bill and I talked about our hopes of raising a family even while we were dating. I knew then, and made sure he knew, that it might be hard for me to get pregnant. I was told this by a doctor at age 18. So we went into the marriage knowing we might need help when we decided to start our family.
At one point I thought I was pregnant. We were not really ready to be pregnant at that time but we would make it work. I couldn't bring myself to go to the doctor right away. I hate going to the doctor so I just stopped taking birth control instead. I waited about three months and I was even more sure I must be pregnant. There was no evidence that I wasn't. I finally went to the doctor and learned I wasn't pregnant. I told her that I hadn't had a period in 4 months and hadn't used birth control in three months. I asked her if I could get pregnant. She told me that with my history it would be difficult, and my best chances were between the ages of 20 to 25. I was 26. She said we should start trying as soon as possible. Bill and I went out to dinner. We discussed what she said and before dinner was even served we decided we were ready to jump into trying to become parents with both feet. I called the doctor the next day and set it all up.
We rode the fertility roller coaster for a year and a half. It was horrible, but I had it in my mind that this was going be worth it because we would have a wonderful baby. I finally came to the end of how much I could take. The procedures were getting worse and worse, more and more expensive, and I was tired of feeling sick all the time. I was up early one morning praying and reading the Bible, trying to find strength to continue. I couldn't imagine living a childless life. I heard very clearly,
"Do you want to be pregnant or do you want a baby?"
What? Isn't this how you get a baby? Again I heard,
"Do you want to be pregnant or do you want a baby?"
I thought for a little while and said, "I want a baby, but I still don't understand."
Later that day, my mom called and told me she had run into an old friend. Mom had told her what we were going through, and her friend said she thought we should consider adoption. She wanted me to call her and she would tell me what we needed to do. I dialed the number right away and she gave me lots of information. She used to work for an adoption agency, Bethany Christian Services. She told us to read the book Dear Birthmother and learn as much as we could about open adoption because that was what was best for everyone involved.
We called Bethany the next day and got a folder full of information. It felt so right. We were on our way and we never looked back. We got the initial application to them quickly. Next was the orientation day - a room full of couples as nervous as we were, wanting kids as much as we did. We met a couple there with two adopted daughters in wonderful open adoptions. I made a mental note to read that Dear Birthmother book.
Paperwork!
That day, we got the big packet. This was going to help them really get to know us. The paperwork seemed endless and was quite daunting. But together we got through it. I wanted it done yesterday and got mine done before Bill. I knew the next step was getting picture albums done so I got to work on those.
I knew a nurse's aide where I worked who had placed her daughter for adoption five years earlier and had chosen the couple herself. I asked her if she would look at our albums and give us some feedback. She agreed and she showed me an article her daughter's aparents had written about her. Her daughter's parents were the same couple we had met at our orientation! We got to know them better, and their daughter was doing wonderfully with the arrangement. We got to see all sides of an open adoption that was really working, and we decided that was what we wanted.
With the albums done, we got to work on the "dear birthmother and birthfather" letters. We turned in everything, and the home study was next. I couldn't control this part as much as I could the paperwork, but I still worked on setting up the appointments, etc.
From initial contact through getting the approval letter for our adoption, the process took eight months. We learned from the approval letter that the usual wait from that point was a year and a half. There was nothing left to do; nothing I could control and speed up. This was the hard part for me. I had to just put it all in God's hands and trust him to do the rest. It was like God said, "Finally! Now get out of my way and let me show you what I can do!"
The Call! We Got The Call!
27 days later, we got a call that we were chosen and our son was ready for us to pick up ... that Saturday! When we got the call, I was on the phone so our counselor called Bill at work. He called the recorder and tried to leave me a message but his message was so garbled from his excitement, I thought something bad had happened. We finally did get the information straight.
Our son was 2 3/4 months old and his bmom was going to sign away her rights the next day at noon. She wanted to be sure we wanted him first. We decided not to tell anyone until she had signed. We couldn't let ourselves believe this was really happening. We didn't sleep at all that night. I went to work early the next day, since I wasn't sleeping anyway. At noon, I got the call that the papers were signed. I called Bill and told him and then called my mom at work. When she got on the phone I said, "Mom, I am going to be a mommy this Saturday!" She started screaming! She told everyone. We were so excited we didn't sleep much between then and Saturday.
Sadness and Joy
We met Seth's bmom half an hour before we met our son. She was quiet and sad, but eager to see if we liked our son. We got to know a little about her and she filled out parts of his baby book. We were all nervous. She had long hair and it hid her face much of the time. She interacted with Seth really well I could tell they loved each other. She was so sad when Seth was actually there. She had already signed away her rights and I think she was worried this was the last time she would ever see him.
We were not ready for how sad she was. Seth had been in foster homes for two months by her choice and I guess we thought she wasn't as attached as she was. I am glad we got it on video because I didn't remember all I wanted to until I replayed it. We got together again at the agency two months later and got to know each other much better. She was and still isn't very good at expressing herself in letters. During the second visit we asked if we could take her out to lunch. The counselors looked a bit scared at the prospect but it was great. We all relaxed and she got to see us handle Seth in public, which was great for her. This is where we started clicking. She could see we meant to do this and it wasn't just words on paper. Our relationship has gotten better and more comfortable as time has passed. One of the times we got together recently, Seth told his bmom he loves her it was so sweet.
Seth is three he will tell you I am his mommy and _______ is his birthmom. He came from her tummy and she gave him to us and we held him and we are all so happy.
I am not sure what it all really means to Seth, but he put it together from the stories we tell him, conversations we have had with his bmom, pictures and the videos of placement day. He is 3 1/2 and just starting to understand where babies come from, but it is not something he memorized. He doesn't sound confused about it at all.
On The Road Again
When Seth was almost 15 months old, we decided he needed a sibling and we were ready to adopt again. The paperwork was shorter but still daunting, and the home study was just as thorough. This time from initial contact to the approval letter took 4 months. We were ready to wait while we finished saving the money we needed. Five months later we got a call that a young woman wanted to meet us. She was due in four weeks and was having a boy. She wanted to meet us at a park so she could watch us interact with Seth.
We set a date a week away. I would have gone that moment to meet her if that was what she wanted. She didn't look pregnant at all until she pulled her shirt back tight. We met the father-to-be and both grandmas at the same time. His bmom-to-be was self assured and well spoken. We liked her a lot. The expecant dad was quiet except when he broke away from the group and went down to talk with Bill for a short while. One of the grandmothers grilled me without mercy but I kept up with her.
The place they chose for us to meet was the world's worst park for a two year old. It had dangerous slides, three-foot drop offs down to the each level, and the swings were made for much bigger children. Bill and I tag-teamed so that one of us kept Seth from killing himself and the other was talking to them. Seth hurt himself so many times. We left there thinking we liked both bparents - even though they did not get along at all - but who knew what they thought of us.
She delivered three days later and had her counselor call us and set it up for us to come pick up our son. We picked Tate up from the hospital when he was 42 hours old. That was the second time we were with his bmom and we had a great visit. Tate's bmom was very sad but very sure of her decision, knowing she wasn't at all ready to parent. We were better prepared this time. We gave her our full names and phone number before we left.
We got together 4 months later at a restaurant and had a lot of fun. We really clicked well. We got together several more times and, just before his first birthday, Tate took his first steps for his bmom. It was a wonderful experience for all of us.
Working at Openness
We continue to have open relationships with both bmoms but at their pace. Tate's bdad has chosen not to be part of our family at this time. He was adopted and this brings up lots of issues with him. We correspond by mail with his amom and have gotten together with her once.
Adopted children often have questions, such as why they weren't kept. These questions don't only arise in open adoptions; the difference is that as soon as our boys ask, we (their wonderful loving bmoms and us) will sit down and answer those questions.
I already have the answers because I have had those conversations already, but I want them to hear it from their bmoms. They will never feel unwanted. They are still wanted and loved by their bmoms but, for different reasons, their bmoms didn't feel they could give them the lives they wanted them to have. The boys will grow up knowing that. Do not make the mistake of thinking we co-parent. Far from it, but there are certain things that are still their bmoms' responsibilities, like answering these questions when they come up.
I often wish the world were more educated about adoption I get tired of the stereotypical responses I get when people find out that our children are growing up knowing their birthmothers.
"What if they kidnap them?"
"What if they just show up at your house?"
"What if they will never leave you alone?"
"What if your kids decide they would rather live with them?"
"Your kids are going to know that you are not their real parents."
I know, of course, that these people are just uninformed, but I will tell you that one of the main reasons we started researching open adoptions is because I hate unknowns, and a birthmother I didn't get to meet face-to-face would have been too big of an unknown.
Family Attitudes
My older sister is my half sister and her birthmom left our dad when she was too young to remember, so she doesn't know her. All of my sister's life, she was sure that her birthmom was some kind of a fairy princess who would not have made any rules and would have given her anything she wanted. During her teen years she threw it in my mom's face: "YOU ARE NOT MY REAL MOM" - even though our mom adopted her right after she and our dad got married and her birthmom did not show up to contest it.
This hurt Mom's feelings badly and she was and is still terrified that this woman will come in and be everything my sister wanted; that she will lose my sister to her - and my sister is now 39. This also impacted my mom's ability to accept our open adoptions. She was terrified that I would get hurt the way she did. She begged me not to pursue open adoption. She cried and tried to load me down with guilt. She even tried to forbid me to have an open adoption. She pulled all of the "Mom cards." I just kept working on her slowly, lovingly, proving I was OK, Bill is OK, and our kids are great!!!
Three years later, she can say the word Birthmother and doesn't cringe when I mention one of them or that we saw them. She can now look at a picture of one of them, but not if they are holding either of our sons. She doesn't get mad about the visits any more, but she is nowhere near ready to meet either of them.
[My sister found her birthfamily and learned that her birthmom had died of a drug overdose years before. She was also an alcoholic. She was not a fairy princess, but I don't think our mom is ready to hear that either. I don't tell you all of this to worry you or make you think my mom is crazy she is just very protective.]
I am so glad our boys will know that their Birthmoms are not fairy princesses, just regular people. We are really enjoying these relationships and our kids are thriving.
Open adoption is not always easy everyone need to be willing to be flexible and be committed to make it work. Honesty and open communication are vital to its success. At times it is wonderful and at times it takes some work, but it is well worth it. To me it is a lot like in-laws - you're related to them and you love the same person, so you stick it out when times are hard and you enjoy the good things together.
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