I Said It Out-Loud
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I said it out-loud. After knowing it for over eight years. I said it out-loud without even realizing what my words would do.
Everyone was taking turns around the room and I noticed the anxiety written on their faces. This was the first support group I'd ever been too. I wasn't nervous at all. I felt sorry for those that struggled to introduce themselves and silently was grateful that I've never experienced a fear of speaking.
Finally, my turn came. As customary, I stood to address the group of fourteen women. My mouth opened, and I was even smiling. "My name is Courtney and ..." that's when I choked. I tried again, "My name is Courtney and I'm ..." again, my throat constricted and my heart raced. I felt panicked. I felt sick. Tears formed in my eyes, and suddenly a sob came from within that frightened me. I stood before them ... tears streaming down my face, and tried one more time ..."My name is Courtney ... I am ... a ... birthmother." As soon as the word came crashing out of my mouth I broke into a thousand pieces and sobbed.
I had said it out-loud, in person, for the very first time to a room full of others who knew exactly what it meant ... and the release sent me spinning out of control. Thus far I had spoken with family and friends, never referring to myself as "a birthmother," but instead, we talked about "my son." I'd never spoken to strangers about who or what I was. I had just recently been hired to free-lance write on adoption issues and had called myself and others "birthmom" via my keyboard to on-line friends. I'd never actually said the words out-loud. Once the words came out of my mouth, emotions I didn't know had been hiding came ripping up and out of me as well. That day in that support group I said every single thing I'd always feared to say ... out-loud. And when I was through ... everyone sat shocked, not sure what to say or how to react. But something inside of me had changed.
I got in the car to go home, and before I turned the key I shrugged my shoulders, and tried it again, "I am a birthmother. My name is Courtney."
Since then I've said it at least a thousand times. I say it to honor myself and the journey I'm on. I say it to respect the life of my son. I say it out-loud to confirm for myself that I am not ashamed of who I am. I choose where I say it and to whom I say it to ... because I will not cast my pearls before swine.
I encourage you ... say who you are out-loud when you have the opportunity. Say it out-loud to a group of others who know and understand the enormous emotion of your words. Say it to honor who you are. Admitting who I was lifted a tremendous burden off of me that day.
Say who you are out-loud. Give yourself the right to be exactly who you are.
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