Lost for Words

When I was 15 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, and though it was the most difficult decision a teenager can make, I (we, boyfriend, too) made the decision to give our child a home that we could not provide.

Everyday I think of my son: how he is doing, what does he look like, how is he treated, how well he does in school. 0f course I could go on, but you get the point. I wonder if he ever thinks of me, or even if his adopted parents have told him that he is adopted; he is almost 12 now.

I received a letter from them not long after he was born, and they assured that they would tell him everyday that I loved him and that he was adopted, but I wonder if they really have told him. I so much want to be a part of his life, maybe not to where he knows who I am, but where I can see him grow up. I would love to go to a sports game, or school play/function.

Although during the adoption process I did not know where he went or who his parents were, I found out (this is a small world) not long after. I spoke to the adoptive parents and informed of wanting to be a part of his life, they refused and requested that I not EVER contact them or try to see him. I have granted their wish. I now live with the anxiety everyday, and now knowing where he lives and having met his parents, my questions occupy me daily. I guess I am at a lost of how to deal with this situation. I wish I knew how he felt (if he knows) and anxiously await the day he contacts me.

I don't want to miss out on his life and don't want him to feel that I never tried. I pray everyday that they would change their mind and allow me to share my son's life. I have provided them with all my contact # and address so there will never be a problem of him finding me. I don't EVER want him to have to search, I want him to be able to pick up the phone and call me. I know I am having very normal feelings, but I guess I am more so wanting to express my feelings. Assurance that it is OK.

Wondering from adoptees when did they start wanting to know about their biological parents. If you had the opportunity to meet and know your biological parent and knew you could call them at anytime would you? My adoption was completed in the state of MO, and it is my understanding that MO is one of the few states that still have closed records, so if the adoptive parents don't inform him, how will we ever meet?

So lost for words, so many questions!!!!

birth mother

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