My Story As an A-Father

I've been very fasinated by the relationships I've read between Aparents and Bparents. I am an Afather and would like to share my story. We have a very unique relationship with our son's bmother. In the beginning, we were told by our agency, that we were chosen by the bmother to take him home from the hospital. The agency decided not to tell us then, because the bmother and bfather ended up changing their mind about adoption at birth. The agency wanted to help spare us from grief, they knew she would be one of the type that would change their mind. At this time the bmother was married to the bfather.

The bmother's situation was very complicated, she had gotten pregnant in 1992 while in high school, before she met her husband. She had kept that child, however she gave legal gardianship to her mother and he lives with grandmother. The bmother already had one son by her husband, he is 15 months older than our son, and was living with them. Our son was born Mar 30 1995, her third child and his second. The bfather's mother arrived at the Hospital and she demanded her son NOT to set him up for adoption. As forceful of a woman as she was and as meek of a man he was, the adoption was cancelled. They lived with the 2 boys as a family, however due to both bmother and bfather never graduated high school, jobs were never available. Or just that they would forget to goto work, but neither one could hold down a job. The bmother did most of the paperwork, because the bfather had a hard time just writing his name. So after 2 months they called back to the agency to give him up for adoption. The bfather had to put a restraining order out on his mother to prevent her from interferring. The agency called us and a date and time was set to meet with them and accept the child. The bmother left the child with her mother until then, so she wouldn't change her mind. This bgrandmother was the one that had the older son, and she was wise enough to realize that to give him up to a better home was in his best interest. She realized that her daughter wasn't capable of raising children.

The day arrived, the bmother wanted to formally hand over the child as a symbol of giving. We would have an open adoption and keep the comunication between us. We believe that this was the ultimate gift that anybody could give, and were very thankful for the opportunity to have him, we had gone through about 3 years of infertility treatments so this was very special to us. The socialworker talked to us beforehand, and wanted us to rediaper the child in the office so we could check to see if any abuse had taken place, but no evidence was found. After a short talk and some happy and sad tears we were told to take the child and leave the room for a while so that the socialworker could counsel the bmother. Outside the door we were met by another socialworker who had us immediately get into our car and get out of there quickly. They didn't want her to change her mind beforehand. But she didn't change her mind and for the next couple of weeks we met at the agency with the bmother and bfather and their other son. We did this time and again but changed the places where we would meet, usually it would be at a park so the kids could play. At first the bmother wanted to have more contact, however the agency stepped in and told her that there had to be a time period alone, where we could bond with our new son. We had setup an 800 number that they could call us, however most of the conversations stemed around them and not our son. They had gone from an apartment to a homeless shelter and then back to an apartment and back again many times. During our visitations we started to get a better relationship with the bgrandmother, mostly because the oldest child missed seeing our son. Most of our contact then was through her, she told us that all she really wanted was for the children to know each other, we agreed.

One day we received an urgent call from the bgrandmother, the bmother was pregnant again. She tried to talk her daughter out of keeping the child, and asked us to have a talk with her. We decided to meet at a shopping mall, since they could get there by bus, they couldn't afford a car. We had sat and tried to have a pleasent chat, however her statement to us was 'if it's a boy, you can have him. If it's a girl, I'm keeping her.' We were actully hoping for a girl, but because of being a true sibling of our son, then we would accept another boy. We hadn't though of another adoption this quick, but it would be in our plans in the future. The baby turned out to be a girl born in 1996. And with the statement that she gave us earlier made me think that her entire intent was to have a boy and a girl, our son being their second son, didn't fit the picture. By this time our visitations had dropped to just around the holidays, birthdays and some exchanging of pictures. The bmother didn't pay very much attention to our son, just mostly to have adult conversation. We had seemed to have more visitation with the bgrandmother that the bmother. She would arrange meetings and bring the oldest boy to play. We both thought that this was a better arrangement.

Well another urgent call from the bgrandmother. The state had come and took the children away from the bmother and bfather. In our state, when a family leaves a homeless shelter they must have a place to stay. And since they were being kicked out of a homeless shelter, you can only stay for 3 months, children have to have a place to live. No place then no kids, the state put them into a foster home. Nobody would take them in as a family, and the bgrandmother had no way to keep them either. The bgrandmother already had two other daughters the one grandson and her husband, and it was only a 3 bedroom house. Besides she was just very tired of alway having to deal with her daughter over and over again. She just had to say 'NO', I don't blame her for that. She gave me the phone number of the state socialworker that was handling the case. So I called him and we had a very good conversation. He wanted to set up a meeting with us to take the kids, however after talking to my wife, she decided that adding two more kids would be to much. At that time even our house was getting to small, and we couldn't afford having 2 more. I was willing to take them on, however because she thought otherwise and with decisions of this magnitude, I would not over ride her. However, we did conclude that if they could be separated that we would take the girl. The frequency of visits increased for a while with the bmother, we found out later that she was trying to be on our best side so that she could have a witness to the fact that she was a good mother in court. We didn't have to go to court, because the state had already seen that they weren't able to keep a job and provide a stable home, something they had to prove but couldn't. Then right after the court signed away their rights as parents, the bmother disappeared. Nobody knew where she went, including the bfather. The only thing I regret about losing the two children is that my son knew the boy, but never did meet the girl even to this day nobody has ever seen them or knows where they are. We just knew that somebody did adopt them and is raising them
together.

Now this part is getting to be a habit by now, the bgrandmother called again. My wife took the call, this was during our superbowl sunday party 2000. She came over to me just before kickoff and said to me 'if you want a daughter, call this number.' We had heard earlier that the bmother had shown back up on her mothers door step carrying a baby. Apparently what had happened is the bmother left because she didn't want the state to find out that she was pregnant again just as she was losing the other two children. She had stayed with friends in another town while she was pregnant, but returned to have the child. This time she had her tubes tied, the state didn't want to pay for it but somehow she had gotten a lawyer and forced the state to pay. The bgrandmother verified this, she seen the scares. The bmother and her husband had gotten back together and decided that they would really give this child a chance. They did try, for about 18 months anyway, the bmother and bfather split up and she found another boyfriend. In the mean time the bfather tried to raise her on his own, but the usual was about to happen again. He was being evicted from his appartment, and had no place to go. The bmother was living with her boyfriend and she decided that she didn't want to keep her either. So they discussed what they wanted to do, they wanted to give her to us because they knew we took very good care of our son. This would mean their girl would be raised with another sibling. But they had lost our number, so the bmother called her mother to call us and hope that we would take another child. They weren't sure if we would accept a child 18 months old. They thought she might be to old for adoption. My wife knew how much I had wanted another child, so her decision was to allow me to make the choice. So I did make the call and no longer cared about the superbowl. I spent the next 2 hours on the phone to the bmother, discussing ways of picking her up. This time she didn't want to go through the agency, we would do this through lawyers instead. I agreed and I would call her later with more definate facts and that the next day we would have a meeting with them to see her and get aquainted. We went over to the appartment and meet her, she was as cute as a little girl could get. My wife fell in love with her right away, and I went to a lawyer the next day to draw up legal papers to have her in my house with the bmother's and bfather's permission. At the same time drawing up papers for legal custody of her. Then proceding with adoption papers. We met with them every day that week and on friday we took her home. It took about 15 minute for her to adjust. Then off the couch she went and started to play with our son, he was over joyed to have a sister. I can only guess that she knew she was in a better place. I had set up the crib again for her and the next morning when she awakened, she looked around the room then up at us and smiled. We had called the agency to do a home study, and the socialworker thought when she got to the house that she would see us pulling our hair out. She was totally amazed at how well adjusted she was already. Since the Adoption process is complete, both children are acting like brother and sister, yes the he done it/she did it thing. They both know about their adoption, they see their older brother often. I haven't told them about their lost brother and sister yet. But I will, since right now it would be impossible to find them until they are older. However, if anybody knows there whereabouts, I would like to know how they are doing. The boy's name is Michael Gould born in late 1993, the Girl's name is Ashley Gould born in 1996. I believe they still live somewhere in Michigan. I would like for my son and daughter to know. Being an adoptive father, I would know better than to intrude on their live right now, but would like them to be able to contact each other in the future.

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