One Birthmother Still Searching

My name is Gail. I gave my daughter up for adoption back in 1985. She was born in Sewickley Valley Hospital, Pennsylvania. Her birth date is 6/20/85. The name given to her by me is Candyace Lorainne. I have received all of the non-identifying information from Catholic Charities in Pittsburgh, PA. There is nothing they can do for me until she searches for me. I also have been to the Beaver County Court House in Beaver, PA. They do have information on her. I did put a consent form for my information to be given to her.

From what I gather, most girl adoptees do not search until they have accomplished college and other major things in their life. I wonder how long that will be. There also is not a guarantee she even knows she is adopted. My family does not want to discuss this, and they say at the time it was the best thing. I am also told I was okay with the adoption and realized I could not raise her like I would like to. But, 18 years later, I am the one with the longing to know if she is okay... alive, if even that.

Back when I gave birth, it was heard on the street I was giving her up. I had a woman sneak into my room and offer me $10,000.00. You know, after I mentioned this, I had police standing and guarding my room and the babies room. This made things for me ten times worse. Then, do you know how people treat you when you give up a child? I had people actually not want me to hold their children because I may become too emotional or attached. It was crazy. I never was given a choice of an open adoption, and when the judge asked me to swear on the Bible that I did not want this child, I walked off of the stand. He was going to hold me in contempt.

The judge took me into his chambers after I calmed down, and he explained to me I was doing a good thing. I think now if I would walk off of the stand in this day and age, no one would take my child off of me. "Swear to God" you don't want this little girl. I don't think so. After we talked, he said, "You are not being selfish, and you are thinking of the best for your little girl. You are thinking of your child." I was 17, just graduated two weeks prior. Yes, I think I was one of the first girls in my high school to graduate 9 months pregnant. The school did not want me there, but who would fight with a pregnant 17-year-old? Never missed school and wasn't about to.

Not every birthmother is on drugs and bad. Some of us just made choices that would affect us for the rest of our lives. I have no rights or anything. I just have to sit and wait. I am on all of the adoption forums and websites, and I will keep searching and calling Catholic Charities and the Court House until the day I can meet my child.

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