Our Story

I have had requests by certain people on these boards to tell my story. I expect it to be ripped apart, but I don't care.

My husband grew up with an abusive mother - both mental and physical. At age 11 his parents divorced and his father went bankrupt after footing all of the legal bills to get his 2 boys away from his biological mother. He did when my husband was 13. When my husband was 25 and in the Navy, he was dating a woman who already had a child, and he decided that he shouldn't have any of his own given his family history, so he had a vasectomy. The relationship ended and years later we met, married and wanted a family. After much counseling, he realized that he was not like his abusive mother, and that he wanted kids.

We went through a year of various fertility treatments and then decided on adoption. We contacted our agency and went to many, many meetings, through extensive counseling, and our homestudy process. Then the wait began for us to be chosen by a potential birthmom.

Almost 2 years to the day of our completed homestudy, we were chosen by a 28 year old woman in the Navy. She wanted to meet us, and so she did 3 times before giving birth. Her son was born 2 weeks premature. When he was 3 days old, she signed all of the relinquishment papers. In our state, she had one month from that date to revoke.

We were to bring him home at 4 days old, but that morning he had problems breathing. He was not released from the hospital because he kept having these "episodes". His birthmom stayed with him and we, reluctantly went home - 200 miles away. After many tests, it was determined that he had infant apnea, a condition he would outgrow within a couple of months. He remained in the hospital for 2 weeks, with his birthmom by his side. When he was able to be released, she herself handed him over to us and asked us to take good care of him and to tell him she loved him. We promised.

So, at 2 weeks old we had our son. Our adoption was set up as semi-open, so we have sent letters and photos to our bmom through the agency every 2 months for the first year, and twice yearly after that up to age 18. We have done so since the beginning.

When he was 5 months old, he had more medical problems - seizures. It was very scary and we let his bmom know what was happening, and that he had the best care possible. He outgrew those, too, and is very healthy now.

We found out when he was 6 months old, that his bmom had lied to us and the agency when she told us all that her own family was supportive of her decision to place him for adoption. At that time she visited her family (out of state) and confessed to the pregnancy, birth and placement, and showed them the pictures we had been sending. They were furious with her. They wanted him. So they tried to get him back, even thought the revocation period had long ended.

They based their case on saying that she was severely medicated at the time of signing, didn't remember signing, and didn't know about the revocation period. Her family tried to hire two different lawyers, who told them they had no case. Then they happened upon one who took it on. However, after he himself hired 2 independent ob/gyns to review the medical records, he advised the family to drop it because she had not been given any medication for 48 hours prior to signing, so they had no case. They agreed and his adoption was finalized when he was a year old.

We continue to send our bmom pics, letters, and most recently a video of her son so she can see just how well he is doing. We, unfortunately, have not heard from her, but she has gotten the updates from the agency each time. We recently received a letter from the bgrandparents requesting updates be sent to them, but their own daughter does not want us to. We will honor our agreement with her, and if she chooses, she can share the updates with her family. That is her decision and choice.

Our son will always know about his adoption. We have already started telling him about it and his bmom. Since we met her several times, we can tell him more about her than most adoptees learn. We will always support his search, if he chooses to find her, and give him whatever information we can. She made the ultimate sacrifice, but it was her decision. I know her parents and siblings are hurting for the child she placed, but as an adult, she had the right to do so without their consent. She has continued to get counseling from her social worker, which I feel is key for everyone involved. My husband and I continue also.

As our son grows older there will be more issues to tackle and things to discuss and explain. Our social worker is there for us all, for as long as we need her.

At times our experience was frustrating, trying, happy, exciting, and sad. But that is how life is. We would not have changed this expereince in any way. Our son is a very happy and healthy 2 year old who looks a lot like his bmom. I am glad for that and he will be, too.

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Credits: Bonnie