We Will Always Love Amanda

The records probably read "Failed Adoption," but this story is much more than that.

My husband and I made the decision to have a family and that lead to the decision to adopt domestically. This is our story. It is important to state up front that despite what has happened, we are committed to the adoption process, and we will persevere as this letter will reveal.

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After working with an adoption agency for 10 months, we found out that we were going to be parents when we received a call on April 16, 2002, and from that moment on our lives changed. We were going to be responsible for another human being. We were in awe of our baby even before she was born on May 2nd. My husband and I held her for the first time two hours after she was born. She was and is a true gift from God.

I had dreamt of holding her, rocking her, and always being there for her. I admit that before she was born, I had to face such questions as whether I would be a good mother and if I was going to do the right things because I so desperately wanted to be a perfect mother. I felt that I owed this to Amanda most of all, but I also felt that I owed this to her birth parents. Her birth parents did not want to meet us, which at the time did not surprise me. I guess they thought it would be easier to separate from Amanda. Even as I held Amanda in my arms, I never stopped thinking about the feelings that the birth parents were probably experiencing. We were open and willing to have them in Amanda's life, for they gave us a gift beyond measure. They gave us our sweet baby Amanda. It is truly amazing, but our love for Amanda was and is unconditional and everlasting.

We only had Amanda for five days, and during the time that we had her, we became aware that she was a very sick little girl. As she lay in the emergency room and my husband held her hand, we thought we might lose our little girl. She did not cry and she became weak so quickly. But I believe we were put into Amanda's life to protect her and to heal her. The doctors at St. Joe's and Motts Children's Hospital saved our baby Amanda, and for that, we are forever grateful. Even as we watched over her in the hospital, we never thought that we would be required to give up our daughter.

The day I received the call that the birth parents wanted our baby back, I felt pain like no other that I had ever experienced. I am told that what we were feeling was similar to the death of a child. The only difference is that our baby girl is alive and being raised by other parents. I will never understand how a mother could do this to another mother. As adoptive parents we have no rights, we can't find out how Amanda is doing, and no-one will be sending pictures. We don't even get to know anything about the birth parents. We were always willing to be open and to allow the parents to be a part of her life, because we believed that would be best for Amanda. I will never understand how this couple could destroy another couple's life. I keep the door to Amanda's room closed because I can't bear to see the emptiness. We have spent the last year preparing for our child, and in a heartbreaking moment, she was taken away. You can't replace a child, and right now, my heart aches, and it would be unfair to any child to fill that void. Amanda was a part of our family; both sets of grandparents held her and loved her and both sets of grandparents were with us when she was taken away. One thing is certain, she will never be taken out of our hearts.

I will never forget her face, those eyes and the way she looked at me when I held her. Amanda has erased all self-doubt, for now I know that I am truly ready to be a mom. Some people might say it was only five days, but it was a lifetime for us. The pain at times seems unbearable, and I am sure that this may be how the birth mother felt when she gave up her baby girl. I never once wanted to give up my baby girl, and she will always be in our hearts. I thought I had felt pain before, but this pain runs so deep. I close my eyes and see her face and pray that she will live a happy and fulfilled life. I miss her more and more each day. At this point, I truly wonder if time will heal all wounds. In fact, the pain becomes even deeper as time goes on.

We will never forget Amanda, even though we can't be the parents that will raise her. We will never forget our baby girl. If we are someday blessed with another child, our child will know about Amanda.

Amanda taught me so much, including that I have room in my heart to love any child that comes into our lives. Amanda gave me that gift. I believe that there is another child out there that needs a mommy and daddy, and we wait with open arms. My faith has only grown stronger and my love for my family and friends is even stronger. We will miss our sweet baby girl, but the gift she has given us is priceless. We will always hold Amanda close to our hearts for she showed us the wonder of new life and the power of unconditional love. Having Amanda in our life for five days opened our hearts up to a life time of following in the footsteps of the Lord. Amanda will always be a part of our life. She has touched so many lives and this little one is loved by so many people.

Before Amanda was born, the birth parents said that Tim and I would never be sad anymore after they picked us from the information supplied by the adoption agency. Yet, today, sad doesn't even describe the pain we feel. Our family and friends have been extremely supportive, but nothing can take this pain away, for I have lost my baby girl. I believe that it is my job to change the system because no one should ever have to feel this pain. Adoption is such a wonderful thing, and I was put on this earth to adopt a child. Tim and I will always love our sweet baby Amanda, and she will always be in our hearts. It was an honor to have her in our lives, even if it was for just a short time.

I love the idea of adopting, and that will never change, but I am afraid of the pain of losing another child. Because there is a 21 day period for the birth parents to change their minds, I will live in fear that I will lose my next child. Going through this nightmare makes me believe that the laws regarding adoption have not evolved to where they should be today. I believe that changes are needed, and pointing out the need for change may be the road that I must travel. I want to help other adopting couples to avoid this incredible pain. I believe that if a mother gives up her child because she knows in her heart that it is best for the child, then that is a selfless act. Such a decision should be made carefully and prayerfully, and irrevocably. The welfare of our children should not be subject to the vicissitudes of remorse. No child should ever live at risk that someday they may discover that their parents tried to give them away. We certainly pray that Amanda will never learn this part of her heritage.

The loss of a child is unbearable, and I don't know if I am prepared to go through that again; however, the power of prayer has gotten us this far. We know that some day, we will be matched with our child. I have an amazing husband who has been and continues to share the same dream. He wants to be a father and that dream helps him through each day. He also wants his wife to be a mother. He has always had faith in my ability to be a mother. Tim also is a gift from God, and he was brought into my life because he shares the dream to adopt. Someday our dream will come true, until then, there is an empty spot in our hearts. Amanda will always have a place in our hearts.

Amanda's tiny little hand that I once held has made it possible for me to place my hand in God's almighty and loving hand, with the same trust that she showed to me. Amanda has somehow pointed us to the freedom that comes from forgiveness, for she taught me how to forgive others for the pain they have inflicted upon our family. I would have never thought that we could forgive the birth parents for taking our baby girl, but we have, and for that I, am so grateful. Every night, before we go to sleep, we pray for Amanda and her family, for she is a special gift from God. We will always miss our sweet baby girl, but we know that with the power of prayer, she will walk with God through the journey of life. We love our sweet baby girl.

With abiding love, Katie and Tim

This is a prayer that my father wrote when the birth parents took Amanda back from us. It says everything.

May 02, 2002

Our Prayer for Amanda:

Dear Lord,

Today we realize that we have been touched by your hand and by your heart. As we held precious Amanda in our arms and in our hearts, we knew what it meant to be love unconditionally and to be loved in return.

Dear lord, grant her good health and a long and healthy life. Grant her joy and an appreciation of all things good and wonderful. A sense of awe and wonder and knowledge that she is a true gift of a loving God.

Be the God of her life, her provider and protector. When she looks upon this world, show her the pathway she is to follow. When she walks that path, remind her that she will never be alone. And as you hold her in your heart, tell her that she will always be in ours. She is precious to us, and we know she is even more precious to the God that gave her life. Be her hope and her joy now and always.

We entrust precious Amanda to your loving care, to guard her and to guide her throughout her life.

With abiding love, Tim and Katie (Mom and Dad)

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